5.28.2012

proving grounds

Current Mood: what if?

We just passed Armed Forces Day, and it's almost Memorial Day.  In addition to several new relatives (that officially became a part of my family when I married Jenny last July) that currently or have served in the military, I'm proud to say my little brother is an enlisted Airman in the United States Air Force.  I've been told it's not cool to post specifics about his service, so I'll just say he joined this year, he's been in Texas (I got to see him recently for the first time since he left), and he's in contracting (not a contractor, per se, he doesn't hang drywall, but he's more about the paperwork).

At some point he'll be leaving for a far away place to do Air Force things.  He's always been a few hours drive away from me, so having to think of Skype as the easiest way to see him isn't easy to get used to.  It will definitely shake up our family holidays (like we haven't had enough of that!) and I think my mom's taking it the hardest (like I said, totally allowed).  I think he'll enjoy it, though, and I wish him all the best. 

Bradley's now an Airman.  My friend Brant just joined the Army.  Another friend (Benji) almost joined several branches.  It makes me think about how at one point, I almost joined ROTC to help pay for college, and how differently my life would have turned out.

Even beyond that, though, there's a deeper significance I put on being in the military, and I wish I could tell you it was purely a noble, self-sacrificing, guarding your country and fellow man kind of thing.  Really, it's a pretty stereotypical guy kinda thing.

Ugh.  I know I'm not going to explain this well.

Let me back up.  Growing up, I sometimes felt jealous of other people who had a strong sense of identity.  They played sports and loved their team/school (I did not - at least not until I got Purdue, I think that's part of why I love this school so much).  They had some sort of ethnic heritage and celebrated unique holidays (I did not).  They were religious and had special ceremonies (I did not).  They had groups to belong to and rites to go with them.  Basically, growing up, it seems like boys around me had plenty of opportunities to "prove" themselves to be Men with a capital M.  I'm talking about Eagle Scouts, Bar Mitzvahs, Mission Calls, stuff like that.  Some sort of rite of passage they took on to emerge on the other side as...I dunno, as adults, as men.   They were confirmed, they were sports guys, they went hunting with their dads... something they could point to as accomplishment.

The military?  Well, that's definitely one of those things.  I consider that one of the oldest and truest tests of self, of confidence, of courage, and of manliness.  I dunno, it's strange - I never really want to be in combat, to fear for my life, to have to risk everything, to have to possibly take another person's life - and yet, I wonder if I would ever have what it takes.  Does that make any sense?  On some level, I wonder if I could do it, if I could stand up and face that.

Mom suggested my back surgery as a test that I passed, and I shot it down - I didn't pick that.  That experience was something that happened to me and I dealt with it the best I could (still do, even).   Getting married and being a husband didn't make me feel like any more of a Man.  Don't get me wrong, I love my wife and I will do my best to provide for her and take care of her, but most days it feels just like when we were engaged (or dating)...and honestly, she's the one who provides for us right now.


I dunno, maybe this all comes back to feeling like I'm never going to be done with school.  I never finished engineering - I never got the diploma or the ring.  I don't feel like an engineer.  I never finished my flight lessons.  I don't feel like a pilot.  I don't have my A&P [yet].  I don't feel like a mechanic.

Some days, I wonder what to call myself.  UGH, that sounded so stupid.

2 comments:

  1. This might sound cliche, but it feels like society puts pressure on guys to "prove" themselves in the way that you describe. (Girls don't seem to have this, but we get all sorts of other societal pressures, so it probably evens out.) I can honestly say I've never thought to myself, GOD, Ryan seriously needs to PROVE himself before I consider him a MAN. I think what you probably need is a sense of accomplishment, and I bet your internship this summer and finishing up school next year is going to be just the thing you need. If it helps, I'm totally jealous that you're living the dream - as you know, I love science/engineering/flight/space too, and I didn't pursue it. But you are! And you're succeeding! And that's amazingly cool.

    PS, I'm enjoying your posts about Texas and getting settled in to your internship. Hope you keep updating throughout the summer!

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  2. Erica - I would agree that at least some of it is societal, but I also know I really beat up on myself, so that's part of it too (I think girls probably have it even harder!). Also, I'm glad I've got your nod of approval, haha. I definitely feel like it's mostly something I put on myself, not something I feel from others.

    I'll be honest, I'm really hoping finishing school will feel pretty spectacular, otherwise I think I'm in for some epic disappointment, haha. Here's hoping you're right about that.

    Thanks for your encouragement/support. I will try to post more aerospacey stuff just for you.

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