proving grounds

Current Mood: what if?

We just passed Armed Forces Day, and it's almost Memorial Day.  In addition to several new relatives (that officially became a part of my family when I married Jenny last July) that currently or have served in the military, I'm proud to say my little brother is an enlisted Airman in the United States Air Force.  I've been told it's not cool to post specifics about his service, so I'll just say he joined this year, he's been in Texas (I got to see him recently for the first time since he left), and he's in contracting (not a contractor, per se, he doesn't hang drywall, but he's more about the paperwork).

At some point he'll be leaving for a far away place to do Air Force things.  He's always been a few hours drive away from me, so having to think of Skype as the easiest way to see him isn't easy to get used to.  It will definitely shake up our family holidays (like we haven't had enough of that!) and I think my mom's taking it the hardest (like I said, totally allowed).  I think he'll enjoy it, though, and I wish him all the best. 

Bradley's now an Airman.  My friend Brant just joined the Army.  Another friend (Benji) almost joined several branches.  It makes me think about how at one point, I almost joined ROTC to help pay for college, and how differently my life would have turned out.

Even beyond that, though, there's a deeper significance I put on being in the military, and I wish I could tell you it was purely a noble, self-sacrificing, guarding your country and fellow man kind of thing.  Really, it's a pretty stereotypical guy kinda thing.

Ugh.  I know I'm not going to explain this well.

Let me back up.  Growing up, I sometimes felt jealous of other people who had a strong sense of identity.  They played sports and loved their team/school (I did not - at least not until I got Purdue, I think that's part of why I love this school so much).  They had some sort of ethnic heritage and celebrated unique holidays (I did not).  They were religious and had special ceremonies (I did not).  They had groups to belong to and rites to go with them.  Basically, growing up, it seems like boys around me had plenty of opportunities to "prove" themselves to be Men with a capital M.  I'm talking about Eagle Scouts, Bar Mitzvahs, Mission Calls, stuff like that.  Some sort of rite of passage they took on to emerge on the other side as...I dunno, as adults, as men.   They were confirmed, they were sports guys, they went hunting with their dads... something they could point to as accomplishment.

The military?  Well, that's definitely one of those things.  I consider that one of the oldest and truest tests of self, of confidence, of courage, and of manliness.  I dunno, it's strange - I never really want to be in combat, to fear for my life, to have to risk everything, to have to possibly take another person's life - and yet, I wonder if I would ever have what it takes.  Does that make any sense?  On some level, I wonder if I could do it, if I could stand up and face that.

Mom suggested my back surgery as a test that I passed, and I shot it down - I didn't pick that.  That experience was something that happened to me and I dealt with it the best I could (still do, even).   Getting married and being a husband didn't make me feel like any more of a Man.  Don't get me wrong, I love my wife and I will do my best to provide for her and take care of her, but most days it feels just like when we were engaged (or dating)...and honestly, she's the one who provides for us right now.


I dunno, maybe this all comes back to feeling like I'm never going to be done with school.  I never finished engineering - I never got the diploma or the ring.  I don't feel like an engineer.  I never finished my flight lessons.  I don't feel like a pilot.  I don't have my A&P [yet].  I don't feel like a mechanic.

Some days, I wonder what to call myself.  UGH, that sounded so stupid.

A Limited Window

Current Mood: I remember it!

We'd finally gotten to San Antonio, where Airman Bradley had been enlisted in the Air Force since early February.  I narrowly missed seeing his graduation from Basic Training due to my class schedule and the expense of flying (I contemplated driving, what an awful idea that would have been).  Then he started Tech School there, and we found out afterward he'd be leaving to go to Germany for his job!  My visit to Texas for my internship happened to provide the perfect opportunity for me to see him for possibly the only time before he left!

I was so happy to see him when we finally arrived - in part because it was the end of the trip, but also because doggone it I missed him pretty bad!  For a day and a half we enjoyed San Antonio - stayed in a hotel to get him off base.  We ate barbeque, we swam in the hotel pool, we had some drinks, and he told us hours of stories about military life and Basic shenanigans.  I really loved hearing his stories - he's got a little different demeanor after enlisting, but especially hearing him tell jokes about the little screwups and victories, it really felt like he was still my brother.  He did awesome at Basic, if you're wondering - I'm super proud of him.

We toured his base - got to see the areas I'd seen in pictures where he did PT, took test, trained with his rifle, things like that.  Saw the parade grounds, Airman's Run area, even some static planes on display (although when you've seen WPAFB...nothing compares!).  Brad insisted that seeing his dorm buildings was no big deal, but our family has always had a thing about seeing where people live and work- I know it helps me picture that person living there and being happy.  We also got go to a cool Base Exchange (BX) store and check out some military gear.  The whole time Bradley shared some little bits of military lingo... I couldn't always remember it all, but I think it's super neat.

We explored San Antonio a little bit.  We saw the outside of The Alamo (apparently it closes at like, 4?) and I saw enough of the plaques outside to move on.  Kinda...underwhelming?  Didn't help that it was sandwiched between giant skyscrapers - I felt like that detracted from the historical aspect.  Anyway, we went down to the Riverwalk.  I got another bent penny for my collection, and then we waited a bit to take a boat tour.  The tour was great!  A good mix of things to learn, like how I had completely forgotten that Miss Congeniality takes place there.

Nabbed a sweet riverside table at a mexican restaurant in part because the waiter liked Brad's Reds hat!  His favorite player was Joe Morgan of the Big Red Machine.  We had dinner and people watched for a bit, and we waited hours for the christmas lights strung ALL over to light up...nothing! 

The end of the visit was bittersweet.  Bradley and I were pretty businesslike, but mom cried a lot (as moms are both wont and allowed to do). I don't know when I'll see him next, but I bet he'll be a little more grown up and a lot more worldly!

The next day I dropped mom off at the San Antonio airport (she had an awful trip home, with delays and hours and hours of flights/airport waits - thanks for going with me, mom!) and drove 4 hours back to Dallas.  After being surrounded by family for about 3 straight days, it was a lonely drive.  SICK of being in the car. 

My apartment check in was surprisingly smooth.  I picked it completely sight unseen, working with an unknown roommate (Nick, also an intern with me) - so I'm glad it played out okay.  Probably my only complaint was that I couldn't show proof of income [my internship was still 3 days from starting at this point], so the company insists on holding a massive extra deposit while I'm here.  I will make enough money to cover it just fine...over the course of the 3 months I'm working!  Cash flow priorities, for sure.

Moved my stuff in - place is nice, probably somewhere between my current place and our last one.  Big, and especially with my meager offerings, feels very empty.  Still, it's in a nice area, has central air [does any place in this heat scorched landscape not have central air?], a pool in the complex, isn't too far from work, and is close to food and groceries and stuff.

Picked up roommate from the airport on Monday with my rental car.  We went to some stores and bought some essentials, but as my "you stupid idiot, how could you forget _____" list indicates, there remains some items to be had.  For the most part, I've tried to lay low, beat the heat, not spend a lot of money by going out, and get ready for my internship!