11.15.2009

WHO DEY!

Current Mood: excited



Now's a good time to be a Bengals fan. :)

11.10.2009

flash point

Current Mood: overloaded



via PostSecret

8.14.2009

the death of a dream

Current Mood: conflicted

By the time late August rolls around I'll be back in classes at Purdue University. Why is this particularly noteworthy? Well, I suppose in the grand scheme of things, it really isn't. Thousands of people go to classes every fall at schools all around the world, and I'm just a pretty normal guy.

Those that know me a little better might be saying "but Ryan, haven't you been at Purdue for a while? aren't you about finished?" And those people would be on to something.

What is different this time is that this year, I'm going to have a different major.

I'll let that sink in for a moment.

I've always prided myself on being that guy that doesn't change his major or hasn't changed it. Never even considered it, because I've always had this laser focus about my life, my career, my dreams. I've always thought I knew exactly what I wanted, it was just a question of going out and getting it, and for me, that included a stop here and a degree in aerospace engineering.

Well, life is funny sometimes. Sometimes you want one thing but really also you want another. Or things work out in a way that maybe you don't quite want the first thing so much. Or you find out that the work it takes to get to a thing is slowly grinding away at you. And so on.

The result is, after much deliberation, counseling, soul searching, research, and thought, I've decided to make a change.

I'm switching majors. This won't be easy, this already hasn't been the smoothest transition, and I constantly wonder if I'm doing the right thing. But the die have been cast, I've already done the paperwork - things are moving forward.

I've gone from Aerospace Engineering to ... Aerospace Engineering Technology.

I suppose to a lot of people it seems like I've just added a word. And in some sense, they would be right - it's not that large of a change. Certainly I'm not moving from AAE to, say, Underwater Basket Weaving or anything. It's a move from one specialized field to a slightly less specific, very, very related field. To a casual observer, it's largely the same. And that is part of what is attractive to me about it and why I've changed to it.

But there are some changes. One of the biggest ones is a shift from mathematics and theory (engineering) to hands on work and testing (technology). This means I'm more or less finished taking math courses (having finally [barely] passed differential equations I), and will instead be taking more courses out at the airport testing and working on airplanes, physically.

I can't tell you how excited that makes me.

What else. Hrm. New major has similar courses, professors, subjects. Similar starting salaries, and almost all students from both can be employed by the same companies (if anything, new major has more options). It's a smaller program, so I get more interaction with professors (and hopefully can parlay that into more opportunities for internships, projects, and ultimately, job prospects). That last bit is perhaps one of the most important - I'm learning more and more it's not what you know but who you know.

It could be a lot worse. I love Purdue, and I know this world like the back of my hand. I'm moving back down to some Freshman/Sophomore classes, and that should be easier. It'll (hopefully) boost my gpa and confidence. I'm in a rock solid relationship and have a lot of great things and people around here to help.

Two major downsides that I can see. For one, not a lot of my old courses transfer, and there are a lot of prerequisite courses to take, and a lot of courses for this major are only offered certain semesters. When this is taken all together, it brings me backwards in terms of student status.
In short, I'm going to be here a few more years at least.

This is partially mitigated by some good news. Since I've been here so long, and worked here so much, I'm now officially an "in state" resident. FINALLY! My yearly cost has gone from about 33,000 dollars to about 7,000. Nice. That takes just a little bite out of an enormous worry and debt I carry.

The second one is a lot harder to describe. Outside in the real world, nobody really cares much about college. It's just like when you're in college, nobody cares about high school. So it shouldn't really bother me the name change, especially when everything else lines up so well. But while I'm here, living and breathing school in the big bubble that is our self-contained city, your major is who you are. Especially for engineers. It's an identity, bragging rights, and a way of life all neatly contained in a single one or two word phrase. You're an Aero, or Ag, or NukeE, or Double E, or ChemE, or some other abbreviation. And it says it all. You've got your spot in the pecking order, on the pyramid, and there's a weird unspoken sort of hierarchy, respect, and at the same time pity, for those at the top.

And now I'm moving from one of the top spots in engineering to a different pyramid altogether. I don't care how you slice it, it still feels like a step down. Like I'm lowering expectations. Like I'm giving in, giving up, chickening out, whatever you want to label it, I'm feeling it.

I try to cover it up with platitudes, tell people things like "I think it's a better fit" and "I think I will get more enjoyment out of my schooling this way" and to some extent those are true, but that doesn't change the fact that I've mired and languished in this mental gauntlet for 5 years. True, I've made it farther than a lot of people I've known - people who've cracked and broken down, transferred, failed out, or quit. But it doesn't change that feeling that I've failed.

Yes, I know, there's plenty to be enjoyed and learned in the journey, and there has been and I have (some would argue the journey is the point, but that's for another time). But what I came here to do was get a degree in AAE and now I can't. That's the bottom line. I've had a lot of fun, made some amazing friends, grown so much as a person - conquered some of my stage fright, become a performer, shed some of my insecurity and uptight live-by-grades nature, things like that, but it still hurts. I feel like an academic failure, a moron, an idiot. Never mind how I would or do stack up in that mythical "real world" - it's too far away and I can't help but compare myself to the best and the brightest I started school with, live amongst, and now see graduating, working, and doing great things.

And I do mean great things. Former roommate helps run a nuclear powerplant. Another friend designs engines for the Navy. Another interns at NASA as I type this. I'm happy for them, impressed - but jealous. Which makes me feel even worse, because I am unwilling to concede anything to any disadvantage that life has thrown at me (things that other people could and do) like health problems or money or whatever - and I know that these people I admire almost certainly deserve the accolades and accomplishments they've built from countless hours studying and learning. Good old fashioned work.

But ultimately it comes back to me, and I couldn't/can't do it. I'm done. I'm tired. Last few semesters I've bounced around in engineering desperately trying to pass the mid-tiered mathematics and no matter how much I love the major, the 4th time you retake DiffEq, you have to get smart to what's going on. I'm unwilling to throw everything else (relationships, extracurriculars, what little free time and fun that I do have) away just to become a robot who lives in the basement of a building and orders Jimmy John's 6 nights a week and doesn't shower so he doesn't have to leave the building. I'm sick and tired of dreading going to class, because I'm afraid of trying to sit through one more lecture where I have no fucking clue what is going on. Sick of pretending I'm okay when in reality, I'm lost. I'm struggling. I never had a class in engineering that I just *got* right away. Most of the time I was average at best, and when you finish an exam and have only answered 1/3 of the problems and the others are left blank, you come home and want to cry, and the only reason you pass is because there's a curve and you get a C if you can get a 40% - well, it doesn't take much of that for you to start questioning things. I've done that for four years now, and I want out.

It's not fun anymore, no matter how much I pretend it is. I need a change. I feel like I'm well past the point where people are saying "of course it's not going to be fun all the time, it's engineering and it takes a lot of work." The thrill and enjoyment I get out of problem solving and learning has been replaced with dread and confusion.

Not to mention the fact that I want to do big things in engineering - and I honestly can say I've had days or weeks or months - where I wouldn't want to hire myself. I would not always trust myself to work on something that people need to rely on. There's a joke amongst professionals, something to the effect of "a doctor buries his mistakes, but an architect can hide his with ivy". Well, there's an extra bit to some engineers, and it goes "but an engineer can't hide his mistakes." Meaning when an engineer fails, bridges break. Spectacularly. Space ships explode. Spectacularly. Hundreds of millions of products have a defect, and cost billions. Basically, I want to feel like not only an engineer, but a good one. Right now, I'm not feeling that. So I want a change, something I feel competent at again. I miss that feeling.


If you can believe it, though, that's not the worst thing. For me, anyway.

Ever since I was a little kid and went to Space Camp, I've wanted to be an astronaut. That's nothing new, if you've spent 10 minutes with me that's probably something you've learned, and it's fairly obvious when you know me. That's why I'm here, that's why I'm writing this.

And to be perfectly honest, I never actually thought I would ever get to be an astronaut. Any more than I could be a fighter pilot or an NFL quarterback, it's just not in the cards. I'm not a flawless physical specimen (eyes, spine, feet, pick your poison), I'm not a gifted mental wiz (I'm smart, but seriously, these guys are incredible).

I guess I always knew in my heart it was a billion to one shot, but I always clinged (clung?) to the thought that I could be like Neil Armstrong, a little Ohio kid who grows up, is an Aero from Purdue, then goes into space (much less a world class test pilot, lecturer, musician, professor, engineer, farmer, ambassador, oh, and that little thing he did that marked a change in the very human race).

I always thought that wishing, trying, telling people I wanted to be an astronaut, no matter how crazy or far-fetched, was the right thing. It could happen? And in doing so, I would always push myself to the limit, to always do and be my very best. To never back down from what I thought was the right thing, including doing things like going to one of the top 5 engineeering schools in the country, going into crazy amounts of debt, and trying like hell to swim in this ocean of smart people they call Purdue, just on the off chance I might make it.

Basically, I might not make it as a NASA astronaut, but I could try, and I think I'd be pretty happy if I got close. Even if I didn't get close, I would've tried my best, and hopefully that would always push me to be my best.

Well, one of the requirements to be an astronaut is a college degree. Specifically one from science, mathematics, or engineering. Not technology. So unless I somehow get an advanced degree in one of those fields (unlikely, seeing as how they'll probably be harder than the undergrad one I couldn't finish), or the requirments are changed, this switch of majors is Officially the Death of that Dream. Even though I never really thought it would happen, being an astronaut is no longer even an option.

I can console myself with all sorts of terrestrial activities all I want, and I'm sure with the development of commercialized private spaceflight there'll always be a chance I could buy my way into space, but for right now it feels like I'm officially, without question, stuck here on earth.

For a kid that's been looking up his entire life, that's a tough reality to face.

8.08.2009

taking root

Current Mood: sick of moving

I'm sick of moving. This is probably mostly a by product of all the moving I've been doing for the past two weeks, but still. Broken down:

Am living/working at Earhart Hall this summer.
Contract for work ended August 3rd, but I'm staying a week past that to help out/get hours.
Helped roommates move out the last of their things, cleaned my old apartment.
Moved the last of my things out of my old apartment into a friend's place (July 28th).
Four days later, moved all of those things again, into my new apartment but didn't stay there.
About a week later (while calling for utilities, etc.) am helping Jenny move (some of) her things.

Furniture still needs to be moved (need: truck, people stronger than me, not rain).
When I'm done at Earhart, the last bit of my things (computer, clothes, etc.) get moved in.

Whew. That should all be done by Monday.


Physically, it's not been nearly as bad as it could be. We've had a really mild summer, and even late July/early August, it's only been like mid 80's most days, instead of 100 degrees with killer humidity. Also, I have had a lot of help from my friends to move, so that's really helpful. I guess I'm just sick of having my stuff in two places, of shuffling back and forth, not having one particular item when I need it, not feeling any sense of stability.

Classes start soon and I need to finalize my schedule, get loans, and a dozen other little things.

I just want to sit in my apartment and relax after this summer, before things kick into gear again. And then I think I want to stay in this apartment as long as I can.


fall 2004: moved to Purdue - McCutcheon Hall
summer 05 - home
fall 05 - Hillenbrand Hall
summer 06 - OA Hillenbrand (different room)
fall 06 - Harrison apartment
summer 07 - OA Hillenbrand
fall 07 - Harrison apartment
summer 08 - OA Earhart
fall 08 -Waterfront apartment
summer 09 - SA Earhart
fall 09 - Fairway apartment

Part of that is that I'm still in college. Part of that is my choice in roommates and living assignments. Part of that is my live-in job for 3 months of the year. I just can't take much more moving right now!

8.03.2009

Tell us how you really feel

Current Mood: a little embarassed

Administrative Responsibilities:
Unsatisfactory Marginal Good Excellent Exceptional (written in and circled) Mind Blowing

Staff Function:
Unsatisfactory Marginal Good Excellent Exceptional (written in and circled) Beyond Words

Customer Service
Unsatisfactory Marginal Good Excellent Exceptional (written in and circled) Superior in Every Way

"Really, this employee is beyond description, setting the bar so high and working so hard and so well the English language as we know it has not the appropriate words to convey this truly remarkable young man. But, as his supervisor, I must try to describe, to you, dear reader, what a true pleasure and honor it was simply to share a workspace with this, this...dynamo, this superbeing of professionalism and knowledge, of humility and modesty, of work ethic and flexibility, of handsomeness and charisma...

(over, obviously)

patriotism and intellect, and countless other measures too numerous to list here. In short, he is absolutely everything we've ever searched for in an employee - and then some. How we've come this far without him is a mystery that vexes me constantly and causes me countless sleepless nights."

-SA Ryan Garwood's [fake] review of OA Ryan Garwood

7.06.2009

Limited Time Offer

Current Mood: productive

After 4 straight summers of being an Operations Assistant for Purdue University Residences Conference Services, I've been promoted to Senior Assistant (Staffing) at Earhart Hall.

My former supervisor, Lisa, was hired on as SA for this summer under the arrangement that she'd be leaving July 5th to take a job at Washington State to be a new Residence Live Manager (Purdue's term) there. Originally, the Earhart Hall general manager (Ken) had ok'd the arrangement, thinking he'd shift Lisa's duties for the remainder of the summer (about 5 weeks) to the other SA (Billing) - Tony.

Once the summer got underway, however, it became apparent that things would get pretty hairy if Tony was to take on all that responsibility. The higher ups at the Conferences Division decided to ask somebody to step in as acting SA for the rest of the summer to help out.

Conferences wanted a nomination, and both Lisa and Tony suggested me, after reviewing my experience and job performance so far. Ken was supposed to approve it, but when this happened he was on vacation, so the decision was moved farther up the chain. The women in charge of all of the conferences know who I am (I've worked there for 4 years, remember?) and unanimously approved the move. Bam.

So within the span of a week, I became interim SA, and just today, started my first official day on my own as supervisor. !

I still do everything I was doing as an OA - have duty nights, go on rounds, work the office, help set up and take down various hall functions, give tours for incoming freshmen, and work the check-ins and check-outs for the various conferences that stay at our hall.

In addition, I now am in charge of more. The biggest responsibility is scheduling - I handle the schedule for 7 OAs and myself for the rest of the summer. I also am in charge of the details for every check in and check out, mainly organizing and setting up the key packets for every guest we have. I'm also supposed to be the go-to guy for any problem that comes up - stuck keys, broken elevators, basement floods, fire alarms, angry/sad/lost guests, noise complaints, late workers, and pretty much anything else that may happen. I post signs and door tags, run orientation meetings for conferences, and attend some meetings regarding large scale issues and changes for conferences.

I've moved from part time (20 hrs/week, plus about 10 hrs/week giving tours) to full time (40 hrs/week). I also get a pretty hefty raise, which is *really* nice. The workload varies a lot week-to-week, though.

Some days are easy. I have the schedule done, no conferences are coming or going, and all of my staff does their jobs and everything hums along perfectly.

Other days I'm running around the building trying to find somebody with the training or clearance to fix something I can't, or find something I wasn't quite told where to find, or something like that. So there's quite a lot of on-the job training.

But it's not like I'm completely helpless. The other SA on staff helps out a lot, the hall GM is around most of the time to help, and I've been an OA for several summers before. I'm pretty well versed in customer service, having worked the main desk at Hillenbrand Hall for a few years, and before that I worked in a kitchen at a nursing home. Plus I've been at school for a while, so I know the answers to most Purdue questions like the back of my hand.

It's the first time I've really moved beyond the entry level at a job before, and I feel very proud. This isn't what I have in mind for a lifelong career, but it still feels good. My boss(es) seemed very pleased I was able to step up and have a lot of faith and trust in my abilities and reliability.

I had actually missed the application process to do this job from the start of the summer, so in some way this feels like a second chance. Hopefully this promotion will be a stepping stone to do it again next year.

I remember when I was a little kid, when my dad would sit at the kitchen table with a ruler and a yellow legal pad, crankin' some tunes, working on his schedule. We (siblings) always joked about how dad would completely tune everything else out while he was working on the schedule - we would have to climb up into his lap just to talk to him. Both my parents have been and currently are managers in very stressful, customer-service oriented fields, and I feel like I have a tiny bit more understanding of what that takes.

I hope I can make them proud.

6.26.2009

impromptu storytime

Current Mood: pleased as punch

Steven (3:12:15 PM): so...story time... if you have time of course

Ryan (3:12:23 PM): uh, sure!

Ryan (3:12:33 PM): There once was a stegosaurus who came out purple

Ryan (3:12:55 PM): all the other stegosauri in his family were shades of green and brown, but he was bright purple and all the other stegs made fun of him

Ryan (3:13:06 PM): wouldn't let him play in any steggy games, that sort of thing

Steven (3:13:14 PM): oh no

Ryan (3:14:15 PM): jaded from a lifetime of ridicule from a genetic accident far beyond his control, and lacking both the dexterity and scientific capacity to change his pigmentation, he retired to a quiet island in the Pangea Mediterranean for a life of exile

Ryan (3:14:53 PM): there he met a nice neon orange pterodactyl named Herbert, and together they lived out the rest of their days in friendship

Ryan (3:14:57 PM): then, the meteors came.

Steven (3:15:33 PM): yayish

Ryan (3:17:55 PM): how's that?

Steven (3:19:33 PM): well he was happy, but then died a painful death in the destruction of his people


For the record, he was asking me about my recent work promotion (woo!). In the back of my mind the whole time was this comic from the PBF, which you should all read the hell out of.