Grass is greener

Current Mood: somewhat garrulous in certain company

When I'm working hard, I complain about wanting time off, and then when I have some, I don't always know what to do with myself.  I'm bad at days off (used to joke about my dad like that), which is probably why I'm just now updating my blog since [checks] June.  Well, here we are, Thanksgiving break, and I'm pacing awkwardly around the apartment like a nervous...thing, cleaning and organizing a few things, watching something half-heartedly for a bit before I'm onto something else.  Even this post is taking me forever to write (he typed, out of order). 

I think it boils down to A) I always feel like I should be doing something else [mostly studying, working on school things, or cleaning because I'm somewhat neurotic], and so when I only have a little bit of time (for example, a few hours between dinner and bed) my options are limited, so there's not much to decide or even dwell on - priorities get lined up easily enough and I start at the top and go until I can't or won't.  And B) when I actually DO get a break (a long weekend, time off from school, etc.) I'm reluctant to dive into something larger like tackle a video game I've owned for YEARS but never really played, because I know I won't finish before I have to go back to the routine, and even worse I've had times where I get so sucked into a project it becomes my all consuming focus and I start slacking on the things that MUST be done.  I'd rather dampen my expectations and ambitions to ease the eventual transition back to the normal day-to-day stuff, how sad is that?

I miss some of my college friends.  Some of them long moved away, growing up and moving on, but some I haven't stayed connected with them beyond writing "Happy Birthday" once a year on their Facebook walls, which admittedly is more than some of my other friends but is a hollow, false approximation of friendship.  Maybe I'm putting too much of it on my own shoulders - friendship is a 2 way street and people change over time, right?  Others friends have more recently graduated, and I have squandered my more than fair share of time with them in the same city, geographical proximity being an apparently under appreciated or underestimated barrier to closeness.  I'm woefully under prepared to soon become the person moving away myself, having been in a state of academic arrested development for nearly a decade (much more on that later).

My family has recently undergone more upheaval and restructuring than I thought would ever happen, topping the previous high that was already nigh-unbelievable (to me, at least).  Not all of it is bad, mind you, but when I tell people about our made up holiday (ThanXmus) that supposedly solves all of our travel and togetherness issues, it's a lie about something that works better in theory than in practice, at least with our family. 

Also, I am basically 5 months (a few more weeks, plus spring semester) away from finally (FINALLY) graduating.  It's a mixed up set of emotions, thoughts, and goals, but I'm closing in.  Unfortunately, it is really starting to take a financial toll on me and Jenny.  I'm sure we'll get through it, but right now I'm a mood to take the first job that comes along, just to know something.  Having flashbacks to right around our wedding, where we didn't know where we'd be living, where/if Jenny would have a job, and if I could even continue to go to school.  Probably the best lesson to take from that was that things worked out pretty well, but those sorts of thoughts don't pay bills, write papers, or get jobs.

Now it's time to ignore school for a bit and see my in-laws.