Grass is greener

Current Mood: somewhat garrulous in certain company

When I'm working hard, I complain about wanting time off, and then when I have some, I don't always know what to do with myself.  I'm bad at days off (used to joke about my dad like that), which is probably why I'm just now updating my blog since [checks] June.  Well, here we are, Thanksgiving break, and I'm pacing awkwardly around the apartment like a nervous...thing, cleaning and organizing a few things, watching something half-heartedly for a bit before I'm onto something else.  Even this post is taking me forever to write (he typed, out of order). 

I think it boils down to A) I always feel like I should be doing something else [mostly studying, working on school things, or cleaning because I'm somewhat neurotic], and so when I only have a little bit of time (for example, a few hours between dinner and bed) my options are limited, so there's not much to decide or even dwell on - priorities get lined up easily enough and I start at the top and go until I can't or won't.  And B) when I actually DO get a break (a long weekend, time off from school, etc.) I'm reluctant to dive into something larger like tackle a video game I've owned for YEARS but never really played, because I know I won't finish before I have to go back to the routine, and even worse I've had times where I get so sucked into a project it becomes my all consuming focus and I start slacking on the things that MUST be done.  I'd rather dampen my expectations and ambitions to ease the eventual transition back to the normal day-to-day stuff, how sad is that?

I miss some of my college friends.  Some of them long moved away, growing up and moving on, but some I haven't stayed connected with them beyond writing "Happy Birthday" once a year on their Facebook walls, which admittedly is more than some of my other friends but is a hollow, false approximation of friendship.  Maybe I'm putting too much of it on my own shoulders - friendship is a 2 way street and people change over time, right?  Others friends have more recently graduated, and I have squandered my more than fair share of time with them in the same city, geographical proximity being an apparently under appreciated or underestimated barrier to closeness.  I'm woefully under prepared to soon become the person moving away myself, having been in a state of academic arrested development for nearly a decade (much more on that later).

My family has recently undergone more upheaval and restructuring than I thought would ever happen, topping the previous high that was already nigh-unbelievable (to me, at least).  Not all of it is bad, mind you, but when I tell people about our made up holiday (ThanXmus) that supposedly solves all of our travel and togetherness issues, it's a lie about something that works better in theory than in practice, at least with our family. 

Also, I am basically 5 months (a few more weeks, plus spring semester) away from finally (FINALLY) graduating.  It's a mixed up set of emotions, thoughts, and goals, but I'm closing in.  Unfortunately, it is really starting to take a financial toll on me and Jenny.  I'm sure we'll get through it, but right now I'm a mood to take the first job that comes along, just to know something.  Having flashbacks to right around our wedding, where we didn't know where we'd be living, where/if Jenny would have a job, and if I could even continue to go to school.  Probably the best lesson to take from that was that things worked out pretty well, but those sorts of thoughts don't pay bills, write papers, or get jobs.

Now it's time to ignore school for a bit and see my in-laws.

roll (pitch, yaw) call

Current Mood: hov'ring high in the sunlit silence

Let's shake things up a bit, shall we?

Here's a list of all of the significant airplanes in my life and career.  Not a list of my favorites (that would be a very long list) - but the ones that I have flown or worked on or otherwise interacted with.  They are near and dear to my heart, and even though there are faster or bigger or more dangerous planes out there, they will always be special to me.  With any luck, this list will get a whole lot longer before I'm done.

Cessna 152
In high school I started taking flying lessons, after school and paid for with my part time job.  I flew out of Clermont County Airport (LID), home of Sporty's Pilot Shop.  I completed most of ground school and my first solo flight (which I will never forget so long as I live), but unfortunately I ran out of time and money and didn't finish my training.  Some day, I would love to go back and earn my pilot's license.  This little plane was a single engine, high wing, tricycle gear GA classic and it was perfect - very forgiving, easy to handle, and fun to fly.

Boeing 727
FedEx donated this aircraft to Purdue University so that students in my major could beat the crap out of it learning to fix things, break things, turn things on, and turn things off.  It will probably never fly again, and some of the systems on there are disgusting, but boy if it isn't a hell of a lot of fun to mess around with.  I have crawled in, on, and around this thing all over and just seeing one in the sky makes me smile.

Cirrus SR20
Last semester I took a special maintenance course, and my primary job was taking care of 16 of these very new, very shiny airplanes.  They have an all glass cockpit with new digital displays, the engines have yet to be completely overhauled, and our highest priority was maintaining these to the highest standard - because they were used as the training fleet for our university's flight program.  I got to learn from some very skilled mechanics working on them and they are beautiful!

Boeing 737
This airplane is the flagship of Southwest Airlines, where I currently intern in the Maintenance Department (Technical Publications) as a technical writer.  I've flown in one a few times, and currently all of my work has to do with the systems and structure of these planes.  It is a workhorse, and I suspect most people would not believe the amount of work it takes to approve and ready these for flight every single day.  Gotta keep an eye out for any of the special paint jobs (called liveries) that Southwest is famous for.




Do not ask me to board this plane.



proving grounds

Current Mood: what if?

We just passed Armed Forces Day, and it's almost Memorial Day.  In addition to several new relatives (that officially became a part of my family when I married Jenny last July) that currently or have served in the military, I'm proud to say my little brother is an enlisted Airman in the United States Air Force.  I've been told it's not cool to post specifics about his service, so I'll just say he joined this year, he's been in Texas (I got to see him recently for the first time since he left), and he's in contracting (not a contractor, per se, he doesn't hang drywall, but he's more about the paperwork).

At some point he'll be leaving for a far away place to do Air Force things.  He's always been a few hours drive away from me, so having to think of Skype as the easiest way to see him isn't easy to get used to.  It will definitely shake up our family holidays (like we haven't had enough of that!) and I think my mom's taking it the hardest (like I said, totally allowed).  I think he'll enjoy it, though, and I wish him all the best. 

Bradley's now an Airman.  My friend Brant just joined the Army.  Another friend (Benji) almost joined several branches.  It makes me think about how at one point, I almost joined ROTC to help pay for college, and how differently my life would have turned out.

Even beyond that, though, there's a deeper significance I put on being in the military, and I wish I could tell you it was purely a noble, self-sacrificing, guarding your country and fellow man kind of thing.  Really, it's a pretty stereotypical guy kinda thing.

Ugh.  I know I'm not going to explain this well.

Let me back up.  Growing up, I sometimes felt jealous of other people who had a strong sense of identity.  They played sports and loved their team/school (I did not - at least not until I got Purdue, I think that's part of why I love this school so much).  They had some sort of ethnic heritage and celebrated unique holidays (I did not).  They were religious and had special ceremonies (I did not).  They had groups to belong to and rites to go with them.  Basically, growing up, it seems like boys around me had plenty of opportunities to "prove" themselves to be Men with a capital M.  I'm talking about Eagle Scouts, Bar Mitzvahs, Mission Calls, stuff like that.  Some sort of rite of passage they took on to emerge on the other side as...I dunno, as adults, as men.   They were confirmed, they were sports guys, they went hunting with their dads... something they could point to as accomplishment.

The military?  Well, that's definitely one of those things.  I consider that one of the oldest and truest tests of self, of confidence, of courage, and of manliness.  I dunno, it's strange - I never really want to be in combat, to fear for my life, to have to risk everything, to have to possibly take another person's life - and yet, I wonder if I would ever have what it takes.  Does that make any sense?  On some level, I wonder if I could do it, if I could stand up and face that.

Mom suggested my back surgery as a test that I passed, and I shot it down - I didn't pick that.  That experience was something that happened to me and I dealt with it the best I could (still do, even).   Getting married and being a husband didn't make me feel like any more of a Man.  Don't get me wrong, I love my wife and I will do my best to provide for her and take care of her, but most days it feels just like when we were engaged (or dating)...and honestly, she's the one who provides for us right now.


I dunno, maybe this all comes back to feeling like I'm never going to be done with school.  I never finished engineering - I never got the diploma or the ring.  I don't feel like an engineer.  I never finished my flight lessons.  I don't feel like a pilot.  I don't have my A&P [yet].  I don't feel like a mechanic.

Some days, I wonder what to call myself.  UGH, that sounded so stupid.

closing in

Current Mood: removed from the bubble

Another semester finished (around the first week of May) at Purdue, which means I am down to just 2 semesters.  One more school year.  My "senior" year, for real.  One last summer break (during which I am happy to be busy with my internship!), one last set of holidays, one last winter break, one last spring break - the familiar school routine I've had since grade school.  Only 2 more sets of finals!

I learned a ton of new stuff.  I'm really glad I took my extra 490 classes - I gained some unique experience doing hangar maintenance, as well as some confidence doing hands-on work in my field.  My fuels class really let me gain a rapport with one of my professors, and I learned some things about the industry that are outside the books, stuff they don't test you on but I feel like helps me understand the big picture.  I even managed to get my best grade in electronics yet, which has always been a struggle for me.

My senior year will be somewhat front loaded, with something like 18 credit hours in the fall and probably about 13 in the spring - I wanted to try and take Air Traffic Control classes, but my schedule would not allow it.  This includes senior design (both semesters), which I've heard horror stories of in terms of time commitment.  I'd like to balance that out a little, but hopefully this way I can spend more time (especially in the spring) on job searching (and A&P prep)!  That's right, honest to goodness, college graduate, real world, time to be an adult and look for gainful employment job searching.  I can't wait!

After 8 years of Purdue (with one more to go), it's time for me to fly.  I have to trust that just like retiring from the Ship of Fools, this is the right move.  There's definitely part of me that's somewhat institutionalized - I love Purdue, and I love knowing exactly where everything is, where to go and who to talk to for anything I need or want, knowing where the best food is, the quickest routes, stuff like that.  Feeling like a king around campus, because I have insider knowledge and my finger on the pulse of what's important.  I have family and friends close by, we have an awesome apartment filled with all of my favorite things - why would I go anyplace else?

Of course, if I go someplace new, I'm sure I can recapture those feelings - it just takes time and effort.  And let's be realistic, when I finally graduate, more than likely we will be moving.  Most of the jobs in my field are in Washington, California, Texas (ugh), Florida, DC, places like that.  As awful as it would be for J to leave her school that she loves and fought so hard to get, the reality is that she'll have an easier time finding a school near my job than vice versa.  I'm not opposed to staying here - if I could find something, or somebody would pay for my grad school, sure, I'm just not sure how plausible that scenario is.

That all said, I'm feeling surprisingly optimistic about the job search (ask me again in a year, haha).  I'm doing very well with my new major, especially grades wise.  My cumulative grades (including that debacle half decade in engineering) have finally been pulled, kicking and screaming, to the floor of acceptable.  My major GPA is rockin'.  My professors like me and know me (one of my professors asked me in March if I had anything lined up for the summer, and when I told him my internship was pending, he told me if it didn't work out he'd "find something for me").  I see my professors in the hall and they say hi to me, and they know my name, which is a great feeling.  Something I didn't even consider when I switched to this smaller program, but definitely something I like.

Some of my classmates have gotten internships at some places I'd love to work (Lockheed, Rolls Royce, Gulfstream, etc.).  So it can definitely be done!  I just have to buckle down, put my head down and power through.  One more year of classes, books, and exams.  One last year to do all the Purdue stuff I've put off (not that much), and then graduate.  Oh, and take my A&P test  *shudder*.  Plus, I have got to stop paying for school and start paying down loans.  That's...that's all I'm going to talk about that subject for now.

This May has been so weird.  Seniors in my major are leaving, and I had just started to feel like I was getting to know them.  Now I'm going to be those seniors.  Another group of people (all majors, lots from the improv club and Ship of Fools, little siblings of people I started college with) graduating, some of which started schools years after I did, and now I've watched the grow up and now it's time to say goodbye.  I'm extremely proud of them and happy for them, but there's a tiny bit that stings.  Something about seeing them come and go, instead of being the one leaving.  Seeing Facebook blow up with statuses and pictures of caps and gowns and sappy goodbyes.  I have plenty of great stuff to take from my time at Purdue already, and I'm sure I will look back on my time here fondly, but right now I see a lot of frustration, wasted time and opportunity, and spinning wheels on my part.  Never, never thought I'd be one of those old guy students who spent more than 4 (even 5) years to finish his undergrad degree.


UGH.  Gotta push those stupid feelings away and get down to business.

be careful what you wish for

Current Mood: still somewhat aghast

Yesterday afternoon I was at work. I had just completed a routine lay up (layers of composite materials put under vacuum) and was mixing the two part resin to inject into the part which would complete the process. My boss (Prof S) came up to me with what he called "bad news".

He's a pretty sarcastic, joking kind of guy so I didn't even stop what I was doing. Then he proceeded to tell me that the higher ups, the powers that be, have stopped our research project.

I laughed, and asked him what new project we'd be switching over to. That's when he told me that was it. Funding stopped, project canceled, done. Zip, zilch, bagel. Nothing to switch to, no warning, scale down, or trail off, just stop what you are doing and go home, because there's no more research to be done here. No hours to be worked or money to be made, because it's all gone.

When the job was first presented to me (about a year ago) I was told it was dependent on funding, but I thought once the semester started we'd be in the clear until probably summertime? Apparently, not. Felt like the rug was pulled out from beneath me.

I can look at this from a few different angles-

Projects in aerospace can be somewhat ephemeral. Especially small budget college research groups in a time of defense budget cuts. Even larger programs can and do get canceled, sometimes with little or no warning. Better get used to that, if this is supposed to be my field. I've never had a job vanish like that- I always quit on my terms, usually because I was moving or for school.

All that time and effort I spent re-arranging my schedule and rides to fit in 20 hours of lab work? SUDDENLY FREE TIME. My classes are getting harder, so I should have more free time to study and do group work. Still, do I fill that free time with sleep, video games, and flex time for school (I picked up extra classes this semester, so that's helpful...)

Or do I immediately look for another job? Not much at the airport now, and I don't really have transportation to get to a more normal job (cashier, waiter, etc.), even if I could find one and if they were flexible with my schedule. Last time I job searched, it was pretty bare bones (although, in a roundabout way, not having a job helped me have time to do well in school which led me to this job...)

Is it too late/do I want to try and find a class to TA? I don't particularly like teaching. I would have to TA a full semester for credit before I could get paid at some point in the future.

Those summer internships I applied/want to apply for? Here's hoping they pan out! Could/should/would I go back to summer conferences if not?

I wasn't making a TON of money, and I'm not in danger of becoming homeless or anything, but it sure was nice contributing to the finances and being able to go out to eat and buy gifts and such without worrying. So here comes the money worry (again). I just want to be done with school so I can get a job and make real money, full time.

I was getting a little burnt out at work from the work, and at the same time really starting to like my coworkers. Former problem solved, latter - well, at least I'll still see these guys around school.

In the past months, I usually had not worked the full 20 hrs/week possible, usually because I was too tired, had too many classes or studying or exams or improv or places to be to really hit that mark. And I was okay with that, again, a little bit of burnout. Now...now I'm done. Do I regret not working those hours? Would that little bit of money made a difference? Am I going to need it later? Would I have learned something in those hours? Could I have done more?

*headdesk*

Can't imagine what my life would be like right now if I was single, working a real job, and suddenly had no job for reasons beyond my control. I would be a basket case. Whole lot more respect for people out there who have to deal with this kind of crap.

BACK IN MY DAY...

Current Mood: is it okay to get all reflective about college, when I'm still in it?

The summer before my freshman year of college I got a form letter from Purdue letting me know who my first roommate would be. I didn't know the guy, he was randomly assigned from a pool of people that (from what I was told) matched my preferences on smoking, sleeping and study habits, stuff like that. I was so excited for school that I super geeked out and emailed the guy that day to make sure we both didn't bring a microwave, stuff like that. He seemed pretty laid back, and I was pretty optimistic.

Sidebar: guy's name was Jason Lee, and it seemed like everybody *but* me assumed he was an asian guy. I never thought that until everybody started saying something. I guess I watch too many Kevin Smith films?

At any rate, when I first met him he was this giant all-american wrestler from a rich suburb of Chicago. A lot of the first week of school we hung out and got to know each other, which was pretty cool.

I only bring this up because I think if that happened now, I probably would've gone and found him on Facebook that day. I would've known what he looked like, what kind of music and movies and sports he liked, and we probably wouldn't have had anything to talk about that first week. How the times have changed...

aaaand scene

Current Mood: call me butter, baby, I'm on a roll

I always make myself guilty about not writing here more. So I get here and the only thing I can think of at the time is about what I've been doing. And the only way for me to avoid writing 800 pages is to break up tiny little sections of my life and write about those.

Improv!

So I'm done with the Ship of Fools, and I miss those idiots like crazy. I went from practicing Wednesday and Friday nights (7-9pm) with shows about twice a month to one or two shows a month with practice just before. Old group, everybody was a student who lived nearby, new group everybody is older with family and lives around the state. Old group, people missed a show and we all got worried - usually it was because of an exam. New group, people sometimes are free for some shows, but mostly it's a small core of locals with a rotating group of others. Not that that's better or worse, just different.

Fools are about to do the holiday gift exchange - a tradition I started - for the first time without me. About ready to bring in the first new members since I've been gone. In six month's they'll do the first Awards Show without me, another thing I started. I'm happy for them, I really am. But boy howdy do I miss some of it.

I went back for an Open Forum meeting/practice, and after 5 months it seems like everybody is new! I mean, sure, part of that is I stuck around way longer than anybody else, but still...
Halloween party, where Jenny and I met? Older Fools were mostly nowhere to be seen, and I wonder if I was sort of the connection point between the old and the new?

That would make sense. Renee went to Maryland to go to school and be with Paul. Andrew moved to China to teach. Eric's moving to Indy. Stu moved to North Carolina. Taylor moved out of my apartment. Gavin/Becky are still on Co-Op, so I hardly see/saw them anyway. Brant is working strange hours/raising a baby! Not improv, but other Andrew moved to TEXAS to get his PHD in AEROSPACE ENGINEERING - he's going to be a friggin' Doctor of Rocket Science, how cool is that? Still, I feel like I'm hemorrhaging friends. I miss them, even though we didn't hang out all the time.

Improv! Focus. Anyway, it seems like the group will be okay, at least for now, since I've left, and above all that's what I wanted. Some interesting group dynamics developed but it sounds like they've worked out their problems. Steven told me he finally understood my intense passion for finding new blood, because you roll up and join the group and then before you know it you're a seasoned vet, ready to graduate, and wonder what happened. And that's even though I stayed for like, 7 years.

My sendoff was epic, and I really am happy for every second I was with that group. And my new group is great too, but I think I'm still finding my place with them. I went from respected elder to just...a performer. And in some ways, that's nice, because I don't have to arrange shows or handle conflicts or worry about money or advertising. I just show up, make with the funny, and make a few bucks. Which, admittedly, is sweet.

Would I ever do improv for a living? Probably not. I wouldn't want my hobby to become a job, and I doubt I could do it at that level, anyway. But when I leave Purdue, I think I'll be searching for some kind of outlet - whether that's improv or stand up or even some sort of podcast or webshow. I've had too much fun to quit now.

start with the corners, then fill out the border

Current Mood: waiting/anticipating

What a whirlwind week it has been. Well, weekend, really.

First off, the big news - after weeks and weeks of applications, applications, scanning and writing, more applications, and a few interviews, Jenny was offered a job on Friday. She will be teaching 2nd grade in her own classroom at a school here in town. That is pretty much the very best case scenario that either of us could have hoped for- no co-teaching, not on the other side of the state, not even moving grade levels. She likes the principal, they have a Science Club, and did I mention it is seriously close? Closer than her current school. I know she will kick ass there and I'm not an especially sunny optimistic guy but I have to believe that the two years she has spent at her old school has helped her prepare for her first year on her own. It'll probably be tough in the fall, with lots of extra time spent at the school, but we got through student teaching okay so I think we'll be okay. This school does not have the extra school hour her old one did, and it's in a different district - old school was high poverty, high mobility and lots of intervention... new school is likely to be overeager parents and professor's children, so I think things are about to be flipped upside down.

Many many thanks go to everybody who helped Jenny look for job openings everywhere, and I can't believe how awesome her old bio professor has been going to bat for her with the local administrators.

ANYWAY. Now that Jenny has a job and it's in town, we are green lights for finding a new place to live. We have to be out of current apartment in 25 days, so looking for a new place ASAP. So we're moving, losing a roommate, and moving some of Jenny's teaching things to her new room.

Wedding stuff is getting crazy. Yesterday was 4 weeks until wedding and we still have a checklist of just about 95 things to do. Take a day off work to go to the courthouse and apply for a license. Get rings, tuxes. Finalize rehearsal dinner plans. Pick songs to get to DJ. And so on. If you've been married recently, you probably know *exactly* what I'm talking about. I'm sure we'll get it all done, but geez. I'm not nervous to get married, but I'm hoping everything goes well the actual day of the wedding. WEDDING WEDDING WEDDING. Feels like that's all I talk about sometime.

We were so worried about job stuff that we'd put off really doing stuff like getting the a/c fixed in our shared car, or planning a honeymoon, so that stuff is back on now. Y'know, like we don't have enough going on...

This weekend Jenny's family threw us a cookout/bridal shower. I guess co-ed showers are becoming the norm these days but it was really great - she has a giant family and they all pitched in to get us some really nice things. My mom and grandma were the only ones who could make it, so I felt like my family was a little under-represented. But I guess in 4 weeks it will also be my family too, right?

Job stuff has settled down somewhat, which is good. I feel like I'm kinda getting into a groove, getting used to the hours and the tempo and stuff. I don't know that I've made any world-changing discoveries (yet) but I think I'm pretty consistently working through the assignments and projects my boss gives me. It's very different than working there in the summer - during the spring I was trying to grab a few hours here and there and it felt like it was hard to get anything done. Now, I have 8 hours in a row plus 4 other guys there so it's much more productive. We goof off a little bit and Fridays are mostly clean-up days, but I get along pretty okay with the other dudes. I'm pretty sure I will keep working there in the fall.

Super ready for football to start back up again. I hope the CBA talks continue in time for the offseason to get back on track.
Pretty ready for school to start in the fall, too. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 4 more semesters. 2 years. Gonna try to find an internship for next summer, too. Building my resume up so that hopefully when I'm all done here somebody will look at me and say "that's the guy I want to design/invent/maintain/repair my airplane/rocket/spaceship". Or something like that...

shelter from the storm

Current Mood: made it to Spring Break!

Not all is doom and gloom in the land of Ryan, despite the tone of the previous posts.

I just spoke with Professor S, and he was remarkably okay with my most recent time card being significantly deficient in hours. Almost as if he runs a lab full of student workers who regularly experience exams and projects right around spring break? So that eases some of my immediate concerns.

And I didn't even write anything about how excited I am for next semester. I will be married by then, so all the craziness of that will be done. I'll have much more experience at work, so I'm hoping things there will be relatively smooth sailing in the fall as well. Especially if things (namely funding) pan out for me to work in the composites lab in the summer as an internship from the higher up funding/govt. think tank that sponsors some of our projects - that would be great! It would be my first summer since 2005 I would not be working for University Residences (in fact I already applied but turned down an SA Billing spot with them last week - time to take the plunge!).

But maybe the most exciting thing is that I'll drop from 18 credit hours (currently) to 12. From 5 labs (currently) to 3. That means less 12 hour days, more time to fit work in without working super late most nights and weekends. Plus I think I've finally decided to retire officially from the Ship of Fools/Purdue Improv Club, which will free up a significant amount of time (though I expect some of that to be filled up again with improv if I follow through on my plan to join One Size Fits All).

So, the big stuff like where I'm going to live and how I'm going to pay for school and bills remain unanswered, but I should be less busy!

what makes you think this would be any different?

Current Mood: aggravated

Still can't sleep, so I'll start this one too.

So my classes are pretty crazy. But that's only half the story. My boss wants me to work 20 hours a week and I don't know if I can do it. I get to school every morning at 7:30am and I try to go to work between classes and then after classes but I get so fed up or frustrated or tired or hungry that I usually can't make it past 6pm or so.

Still, I usually end up needing to work on the weekends to get to 20 hours. And I'm rapidly running short on time to study for tests, to make up classes (occasionally I have missed classes for a funeral, sickness, etc. - normal life stuff). I don't want to let my professor down - he did hand pick me for this position, but my god, how does anybody do this?

Mentally, I'm spent. I was spoiled last semester, I had all sorts of time to come home and just relax and dick around on the internet and decompress, read comics and watch Modern Marvels and clean up the apartment until my neurotic brain was appeased. I knew it was a little excessive, but now I've had to cut so much of that crap out just to stay on top of it and I still can't let go some days that I'm not caught up on reading every post from some website.

I've always had that problem, trying to make sure I've checked and read and understood and explored every nuance of a site or magazine or whatever is in front of me. Probably helps explain my capacity for details but seriously, when you're worried that you're missing out on some Facebook updates, does that mean it's time to ask for help?

Anyway, work is physically draining, too. I carry heavy things, I have to use all my weight to close or open certain latches, and some of the rolls of material take every bit of arm extension and muscle to cut through. I sweep and mop, take out trash, move things, lift things, and some days it's friggin' hot in there. I'm losing weight (probably doesn't hurt that my schedule seriously has cut down on the time I have to eat, no joke) at a noticeable pace.

Ironically, being exhausted from a 12 hour day actually does help me get to sleep, sometimes! But I still have sleep issues. If I don't get to sleep (not get to bed, actually get to sleep) by like, 10:30pm, I can barely get out of bed. I'm amazed I haven't fallen asleep in class yet. I dread any day I don't have Mt. Dew because I feel like I need it to get going.

But I haven't really said anything about work yet.

I'm the new guy, the Rookie, so I get teased a little bit and get assigned to do a few undesirable things like cleaning and copying things. But it's not that bad, and I generally try to do it with a smile because honestly I'm glad to have this job, I really am. I didn't even apply for it! Don't tell my boss, but I would probably be doing this for less for the experience.

But I'm older than most everybody there. And I don't act like a hot shot know it all, so a lot of times they continue to haze the previous "new guy", which is somewhat amusing to me. I spent the first few weeks shadowing everybody, getting to know how to operate a lot of the machines in lab and getting to know certain procedures.

After a time I got assigned my first project, with is a legit science assignment. I am doing research. Without getting too technical, we have a process to make composite panels. My job was/is to build a device to purify the liquid resin we put in with vacuum pressure, then run a series of layups to see if the panels have less air pockets in them. If it works, this would be a way to increase the strength and decrease the defects in the repairs we make. Maybe it sounds boring, but I think it is super cool. And it's *my* project, warts and all. And just the other day the professor wanted me to start designing and modeling a new inlet port.

He said maybe I could get a patent. And a coworker said some of my research could be published in a journal - somebody last year got to fly to Paris on the University's dime to present a paper.

How fucking cool is that?

I don't know if I will get that far - there's been some budget rumors floating around (great, another job in jeopardy, like there hasn't been enough of that going around lately). Try not to get my hopes up, but it shows how much potential there is where I'm working, which is definitely a good thing.

For now I will keep trying to stay positive, stay on top of my hours. My prof. said he thought I had a different skill set than some of the other guys in the lab, that he thought I had great potential and could do some special things for the program. I can't tell you how much that helps to hear, but now I just have to make sure I live up to the hype.

I think my goal when I started typing was to type and put words onto screen until I was too exhausted to stay awake. That was probably a dumb idea.

he's still right, folks

Current Mood: blech

Work is exhausting. Actually, let me back up. This semester is exhausting. I'm taking 18 credit hours. Minimum full time is 12 credit hours, and I think I only ever had 1 other semester that was this many. I don't remember which one, though, all my semesters are seriously blurring together because I have been in school a long time at this point.

I have 5 classes, and each one has a 3 hour lab (one is 4, actually). Every day of the week. I've never had this many labs and it's grueling. To be fair, I don't actually have as much homework in the typical sense, and unlike some classes I have taken the lecture material and the lab work match up pretty well most of the time. We talk about timing magnetos, then we time magnetos, for example.

The level of hands on-itude in this major is blowing my mind. There is a very good chance by the time I am done here that I will get my A&P (Airframe and Powerplant) Certificate, meaning I am qualified by the FAA to repair and inspect airplanes and their engines. Not what I want to do for a career, but that's still pretty great. And it is a ton of practical knowledge for anybody in my field, knowledge that I'm honestly surprised is not required for engineers (my former major), even though there's a part of my brain that is telling me that's just a cop out justification for my switch to an easier program.

Well, maybe academically easier. I feel like my math skills are starting to atrophy from lack of use. There's just not much theory going on, which is what I was told going in but seeing it day to day is somewhat shocking from the viewpoint of where I was. Every component we need to look at and touch, install, take apart, repair, test, and reinstall. Some of it is very difficult just from a motor skill perspective. I have never welded, never soldered, never riveted before. Some of it feels almost...outdated? But despite what you may hear about sexy composite structures, there are aluminum aircraft flying today that are 40, 50 years old with plans to be in service another 30 years. So this is relevant knowledge.

Some days I am stunned by how long we spend on a subject. Something that would be assigned as light, almost trivial reading for homework in engineering is explained over and over in technology. They hold our hands like and avoid the word "formula" if they can.

Other days I'm bowled over by the brevity. Professors will mention some aspect of an airplane, or how something works, and we get the cliffs notes version, when in engineering that entire theory, concept, whatever was an entire month's worth of work. And I'm left there with my mouth hanging open, wondering when we're going to get an assload of problems working out the enthalpy of a closed system carnot cycle efficiency heat engine with a partial properties chart. Nope! Just point to the right colored box on the diagram!

I'm doing pretty well, and it feels great to be "smart" again. My counselor was gushing over my grades last semester. It made me feel smart. And at the same time, not? Does that make sense? Or one of my professors will make a comment about "those engineers". "Those engineers don't understand that we need X" or "Those engineers won't bother to check for Y". I cringe on the inside. I was one of them. I was set to be one of them. And I still wish I was, until I think about my 301 final and how badly I cried when I realized I couldn't understand the first problem after an entire semester of trying.

I've taken flight lessons, but I'm not a pilot. I've taken engineering classes, but I'm not an engineer. I'm in a technology program, but I don't think of myself as a technician. I do research but I'm not a scientist. I'm not a mechanic, or a manager, or a salesman. I'm a little bit of everything and some days I wonder where I fit in. Or where I will fit in.

Now they're redesigning the AET curriculum, and I'm hearing rumors it's trying to be molded to more of a core curriculum for the rest of the campus, the A&P will become optional, it's going to be more engineering minded, whatever. I don't know. I want to be done, I want to get my degree, get my certifications, and get a job. Get money and fix some of the crap I have going on. I don't want to worry that the class I'm in will be the last of it's kind and if I fail it won't be available again.

I hate that I'm somewhat desensitized to failing a class. I couldn't fathom that until I got to college. Now, it's still an awful thought, but it's happened so many times it just leaves me with a numb feeling. Engineering has really screwed me up.

Gosh this is a clusterfuck of thoughts pouring out.

I do like my major, I really do. It's super cool when I get to the airport in the morning and the runway lights are on. The other day an F-18 landed 50 feet from where I go to work. I inspect and service actual aircraft engines. I'm doing very well and I'm in such a better position than I ever was in engineering. I just still have so many semesters left, and this routine is starting to grind me down. A week until spring break and I am exhausted.

Here's a good analogy: I feel like I'm an athlete that couldn't cut it at a big school and transferred to a junior college. Now I'm doing better, but I wonder if I can make it to the pros?

I'll get to my thoughts about work soon enough, this is enough for now. I just can't sleep and I figured typing this is better than nothing.

Maslow was right, as always

Current Mood: ramblin' man

I don't update my blog as much as I should. And when I write "should" I mean "as much as I feel like I should" or "as much as I would like to". And when I say "like to" I guess what I really mean is that it is not as high a priority as other things, which sometimes is a pathetic excuse, but in this case I really feel like it means I am out in the world doing things and learning and working and such. Yay for me?

Part of that also is that I really can't seem to condense my thoughts enough to post something with any brevity, so I procrastinate because I don't always have the gumption or energy to write out everything I'm thinking with the level of detail it deserves, so I end up stalling and stalling until I find a chunk of time, and then I write WAY too much for the casual blog that I have...which is probably what I'll end up doing right here. Fair warning.

My self imposed goal was 1 post a month and I missed last month, so I'm aiming to finish this post and then get another one in before March is over. FYI.

So why am I so busy all the time? I think when last we talked (where'd this conversational tone come from? boy I am in a weird mood today) I was all angsty and nervous about my new job, and I'm probably going to save that for the aforementioned later post... the super short version is I'm not repairing Marine helicopters but I am working very hard, learning new things, and I have my own set of projects to work on that I will describe later.

Moving on.

Life is pretty good right now, but there are some big things looming on the horizon. There are, as of this writing, 141 days until I get married. ! My role in things so far has been pretty low key - I have my tux stuff figured out and from here on out it's mostly just a matter of wrangling up the male half of the wedding party, spending time with them, and offering to help my fiancee with... well, whatever she may need. I'm trying really hard not to be one of *those guys* who sits on his ass and assumes the woman will take care of it all - I have seen up close and personal how expensive and time consuming and exhausting and detail laden this can be, and my woman isn't even close to what you could call a Bridezilla (thank god). Suffice to say the whole engagement process has been a little different than I guess I would have imagined it would be, but I'm not complaining and things seem more or less on track so far. Okay, so maybe we're a little behind and between us we have some wonderful things to work around, but I'm sure every couple has some of that.

Bleh, I bet you are all sick of reading about that, right? What else... my apartment lease ends 1 week before we get married and I have zero idea where I'm going to live after that. I'm probably retiring from the Ship of Fools improv troupe at the end of this semester and possibly joining the adult (read: professional non collegiate) troupe across the river, One Size Fits All. Which makes me feel like crap some days because I worry about the shape of the club for the next year. What few school friends I have in town from my earlier life as a Purdue Engineering student are getting ready to finish and spread into the wind, which is bittersweet. I still have two more years (and 6 more weeks of this current semester) of school, which is great but also sucks, honestly. Can I claim Senioritis at this point? Maybe some advanced mutation?

Probably the hardest thing to deal with, though, is that my fiancee is getting RIF'd (Reduction in Force - we're not firing you, but we don't have a spot for you anymore, as I understand it) at the end of this school year. And because of state budgets, tax dollars, union arguments - a sum of political and economic crap - she also does not have a chance to teach summer school, which was experience and money we were both looking forward to. Because of previously mentioned factors, it's going to be very difficult at best to find another job for her in the local area at all, much less one that is in education, that is in a good school, full time, with benefits, where she would have her own classroom, with a principal that she feels comfortable with, with co-workers that she would get along with and befriend and develop a meaningful career (not that all of those things are present at her current job, I'm just listing some things I would like for her to have).

It's looking like *if* she can find a teaching job, it may be somewhere else in the state. Forgetting for a moment how expensive it will be to try and find two places for us to live, I'm not exactly thrilled at the idea of spending our first year as a married couple (weird to write that, ack) hours (?) apart. I mean, I would absolutely do it if that's how it worked out - I need to be here to finish school for 2 more years, and she brings home the bacon - but I'm not one of those people who hates to come home to his significant other. Quite the opposite, in fact. I really enjoy coming home after a long day of class/lab/work and collapsing onto the couch to watch TV with my fiancee.

At the end of the day, I really just try to put my head down and power through, focusing on my next lab or project or exam and do what I need to do, which is get good grades and work hard so that some day my turn will come to look for a job and hopefully earn money to pay her and other people/institutions back for believing in my going to college. And I'm just optimistic enough to hope that one day, when I've got all this stuff figured out, I will be able to look back and go "oh, remember that time when everything was scary and we were so worried?". But in the meantime, it's enough to make me more than a little nervous.

One week until spring break and a little trip home.

Three weeks until my siblings (and their significant others) come to visit to see Spamalot.

Four weeks until Opening Day.

in which some of my choices are beginning to bear fruit

Current Mood: it is snowing outside. WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED?

GRAH. New year, filled with the same optimism, promises, and hopes of an arbitrary day we celebrate. Anyway, I know I've been slacking when it comes to updating here but I still cling to the hope that it's something meaningful. Even though lately I've been wondering the wisdom of spending too much time cataloging and analyzing and dissecting and listing and reposting everything, especially the minutiae and mundane things that make up most of, let's face it, mine and most other's lives. That's not to say that self reflection isn't useful (far from it), but I have to think that parroting back somebody else's work (art, music, film, whatever) is not in and of itself the same as creating your own work - good bad or awful, there is some value to the process, the struggle, the desire and effort to form a thing that was not there previously, combining and synthesizing colors and patterns, sounds, movements, shapes, concepts WHATEVER into something unique and previously nonexistent.

So my brain is filled with plenty of random chaotic thoughts, neuroses, just like everybody else. Right now I'm having trouble sleeping despite trying harder than ever to stick to a routine - go to bed around 11, get up around 7 (admittedly I've been much better this break than I ever have, but still, it's getting worse with school starting back again on Monday).

I hesitated to really bring this up back when it was a nascent idea, but also on Monday I start a new job. That's right! Not long ago I wrote this huge post about my work history and how I wish it was different, and lo and behold last semester I was kicking ass in a class - in part because I've switched to an easier major, in part because I'm not an alcohol fueled freshman dumbass, in part because I actually bother to try.

At any rate, I was doing well in my composite materials class. The first exam, the professor had an open challenge: anybody who could get a perfect score he would treat to lunch. Depending on when you asked me, I would say I either managed to get most of them correctly because I studied and the rest I guessed correctly, or I managed to make that professor pay for that slice of hubris. At any rate, the scary House-ian professor made good on his deal and took me to Pizza Hut and we had a lovely sit down. I told him of my numerous years of struggle in AAE and some about my time at Purdue. He tried to tell me that was normal - after all, his top grad student spent two whole years in AAE. His jaw hit the floor when I told him it took me almost 5 years to switch. But he seemed encouraged and told me to keep up the good work, that he might have an opportunity for me at some point in the future.

I was stoked, but tried to be realistic and not get my hopes up. After all, I was the same student in AAE, just as motivated and personable, and those classes kicked my ass and those professors barely knew my name.

Fast forward to the end of last semester-

side bar, Jenny says I still have a lot of insecurity and fear left over from AAE and I'm inclined to believe... it's now January 6th, spring classes start in 4 days, grades have been out for about 2 weeks and I'm still terrified to look at them even though all indications are that I did very well in my classes

- and my prof (let's call him Prof. S) pulls me aside at the end of lab and tells me he would like to offer me a job. ! I met him with the next week for the details:

*I will be working in the Aerospace Composites Lab at Purdue under Professor S.

*I will be a Research Assistant, working on his various projects that deal with aerospace composite structures.

*His primary project is a special repair gel for Marine Corps helicopters that cures in UV light, which negates many of the expensive/time consuming/tricky requirements of standard repairs. His assistants are helping him test this material to see if it is as strong as conventional repairs.

*I will be making some pretty solid money, 20/hrs a week. The position is for spring and fall, for now.

What else to say. Like I said, I start next week. There is a good chance Prof. S has a spot for a summer internship for me, but we'll have to see how that will mesh with my summer plans for getting married. For now, I'm just happy there's a chance. This is a real Aero Job.

Of course I can't just be happy about something, or proud, or confident, and this is no exception. Prof. S and his Main Grad Student both are kind of intimidating to me. Make that very intimidating. And I did well in the class sometimes because I have already taken two classes on a computer program we used, or lab TAs helping us in lab used my part as an example, etc. Professor thinks I'm some sort of engineering math whiz, which I don't think that I am. So we'll see what sort of work I actually am asked to do.

Not to mention I hate working and schooling at the same time. I've done it before (res. hall main office) and it really sucks sometimes. And that was more like 10 hours/week in a cushy office where I could usually do homework. So here's hoping my 6 more credit hours this semester plus 20 work hours any other thing I might do don't pull down what might be my excellent grades from last semester?

So here's to next week... with cautious, footnote laden optimism?

peeling back more layers

Current Mood: killing time

another way to look at the future (see last post) is to imagine how I might end up in the real world - the one where I finally (FINALLY) graduate someday and hopefully get a job

Purdue does its job by keeping me working for that "A"
I have had some impossibly hard classes. This...helps? Nah, not really.

Outlook for my major seems pretty good
No. 2's not too shabby. Any takers on how many decades it'll take me to pay off my student loans?

Speaking of Purdue, one of our professors recently won the Nobel Prize in Chemistry

This part of the article cracked me up [one of the other winners was Richard Heck]:

Heck, now with the University of Delaware in the United States, developed his work on palladium as a catalyst in the 1960s and early 1970s

If you don't see it, read the first part very conversationally.

I wish I could go back to some of my old chemistry classes with what I know now. I would kick so much ass... maybe I wouldn't have hated AP Chem so much.

improv

Current Mood: productive

Anybody that knows me or reads this blog knows I spend a good part of my time hanging out with the Purdue Improvisation Club and the Ship of Fools.

Growing up I never really knew much about it. I watched a few episodes of Whose Line is it Anyway? and thought it was funny, thought I could probably do it but maybe not as well (not really knowing that they tape for hours and cut it down to make a half hour episode jam packed with the highlights). And growing up I never really thought of myself as a funnyman or a class clown - I would much rather make some quips to my friends from the back of the class or joke around with my brother and sister, quoting movies and listening to stuff like Monty Python sketches or dad's Bob & Tom tapes.

That all changed when Sis got to college and joined The Tower Players. She told me about it, and I went to see a few of her shows. I really enjoyed them, and that really sparked my interest.

That interest lay dormant until *I* got to college. I went to BGR (freshman orientation) and although at first I was smitten with the idea that I could be on the Crew Team, I did take a flyer for the Purdue Improv Club at the activity fair. My BGR team leader Ricky took us to see the *other* improv group on campus (The Crazy Monkeys) perform during that first week, and when I heard there were auditions he encouraged me to go because he thought I could make it. That was a pretty big boost during that very formative time. I was a wide-eyed freshman and the world was my oyster. Er, it was a giant sprawling campus filled with incredibly brilliant people and I was just a number.

My dreams of making the Crew Team died an embarassing death when I failed the swimming test and so instead I went to my first Open Forum of the Purdue Improv Club where I saw the Ship of Fools performing, that was in Fall 2004. By the end of the semester I was a regular, and it was more or less the highlight of my week going to laugh and hang out with everybody. A huge stress relief from the immense pressure I heaped on myself to do well academically, as well as a cool group of people who didn't want to drink and party all the time.

By March '04 I had been asked to join the Ship of Fools, along with my friend John "Tripod" Tubergen (who would later be my roommate in my first apartment). I loved it and dove headfirst into the club. I was very interested from the start in being a better performer on stage, but also in growing and expanding the scope of the club.

I tried really hard to improve our practices by adding feedback and show reviews. I created an Awards Ceremony and our holiday gift exchange, as well as some other traditions and celebrations. I had the good fortune to be in the troupe with some amazing performers who are to this day some of my best friends, and certainly they helped me make things bigger and better by participating in these events, giving me feedback, and adding their own ideas (Yes, And...).

Eventually I became Captain of the Ship of Fools and President of the Purdue Improv Club. By that point I had dozens of shows under my belt, and had the week-to-week operations of the club down pat. I tried to lead the group to even higher heights with more attendance, better performances, and more shows. All the while we had to deal with replacing what was really the first "class" of Fools after the founders, so recruiting was a big deal as well.

We took road trips and performed across the state. I used my contacts in University Residences to book regular gigs at the residence halls. We fought the Crazy Monkeys for fans and campus fame/recognition. We performed at festivals and opened for comedians, improv-ed for charity and put on shows with the Andy Ober Orchestra (a parody group). One of our biggest shows was at Elliot Hall of Music, the largest venue on campus. We teamed up with the Student Wellness Office at one point to help a broad initiative for student health. We trained and took workshops, then turned around and performed and tried to teach some improv as well. We even tried to expand our market, as it were, by jumping on the Facebook bandwagon and finding ways to advertise when they took away our sidewalk flyers.

But through all of that we still practiced once a week, and then had open forum every week - unless we had a show or it was a school break. And the semesters clicked by, even when I had trouble in school the group was and continues to be a great source of entertainment and happiness in my life. Heck, that's where I met my fiancee, at an improv Halloween party! And by the way, she's gone to just about every single show, so she probably knows more about improv than most of the new people in the troupe.

It's now been over 5 years since I joined the Ship of Fools. I still enjoy it, but for all the variablity of improv, I do feel a little bit stale. When I have played Chain Murder Mystery 200 times, it's rare when I get a suggestion that trips me up. I can run the meetings on the fly, and plan shows in my sleep. I've been in the group so long that I'm kind of like the Godfather. On one hand, it's great, because I can essentially snap my fingers and things get done just how I want them, and I can pick and choose which games I play and sometimes which shows to do just because.

I like to think I'm using my powers for good (I've gone overboard trying to steer the young ones towards what I hope is a stable line of succession), mostly by teaching the troupe why we do things and how, so that when I leave the club will continue to thrive at a high level instead of leaving some sort of power vaccum so the group has to reinvent the wheel and let those Crazy Monkeys gain any ground!

But I worry that sticking around will have an adverse affect on the group, where nobody gets pushed out of the comfort zone because they know I'll always pick up the slack, or nobody will try something crazy because they're used to doing things the same old way, my old way. And I don't think it's the case, but I worry I will live out my welcome and become That Old College Guy who doesn't know it's time to leave.

I love this group, and I want to do right by them. And if that means leaving soon so the new blood can spread their wings, then so be it. I will miss them, but the Ship of Fools have given me a lot and I will never forget that.

So what about me?

I know my first few years in the improv group I grew a lot. Some of it was life stuff - confidence on stage, in front of strangers, with public speaking, plus all the administrative stuff that comes with being a club officer like running meetings, communication and planning, and all the skills that come with negotiating show contracts and organizing shows, etc. But comedically? I think I have hit a plateau of sorts in the past few months. Like I said before, I don't think I'm growing as much because I keep doing the same improv habits. It's very much a skill that needs variety and to be challenged. So I've been keeping my mind open to the idea of maybe moving onto something new soon.

Lately, the SoF has been partnering with an improv troupe across town (not affilitated with Purdue) called One Size Fits All Improv (OSFA). They're an older group, made up of town folk that also do short form improv like the SoF. A lot of them have professional training in theatre or comedy, like Second City or ComedySportz or Improv Olympic. They're very funny and well trained.

They play similar games as the SoF, but they have a competitive game-show type format and play in venues that I'm not used to. They're a bit older so they have a different view than the college students I'm used to, and as I mentioned they have a lot of training and do a lot of good things in practice and during shows. I think they are, on the whole, more mature as well, which means they stay focused in practice and care a lot about shows (even if they are being total goofballs on stage). Since they aren't college based, there's a lot less turnover than our group, which is a different dynamic too.

I would consider OSFA a professional troupe. They are independent, for-profit, and have regular paying gigs to perform for an audience. By this measure, I would consider the SoF a semi-professional group, and I would like to think I have the skills and talent to move up to the next level.

I'm considering "retiring" from the Ship of Fools (before I graduate, unlike most people who end when they leave Purdue - but then again most people aren't here as long as I am) and trying to join OSFA. I've gotten a lot of very positive reception from them when we perform together, and I'm excited about the idea of working with a new group of people and moving out of my comfort zone. New faces, new ideas, new games, new suggestions, new venues - and not being The Old Guy who runs things. It's exciting and it's a little bit scary, because I've been doing the same old improv routine with the SoF for over half a decade now.

And what about the future?

Improv always started off as a sort of hobby for me. Just something I did after my schoolwork was done to blow off some steam. But over time it's really become a big part of who I am - as I mentioned that's where a lot of my friends and even my fiancee came from. I use the skills I learned there all the time, and it gives me another identity, another skill set. I don't think I'm quite ready to entertain the idea of pursuing this as a job, as a career - though if the option came up I would be surprised but also intrigued - and I don't know that I'm quite comfortable saying goodbye to improv when I'm done with school, either.

Hopefully when I'm done with Purdue and move onto the Real World, I will end up somewhere that has a college or theatre or troupe nearby that does improv. And that that group is even half as cool as the Ship of Fools, the group that I have had the pleasure of being a part of for so many years. And that maybe, just maybe, this theoretical group might have me on stage sometime.

work

Current Mood: kinda bored, actually

I think I read somewhere that the average adult has seven jobs in the course of their lifetime. If that's the case, then I think I'm stuck on number two.

Growing up I definitely did house work and yard work for family and neighbors to make a few bucks, mostly cutting grass. I also did stuff like edit reports and design word art brochures for my dad's home business, which netted a few bucks here and there.

It wasn't until high school that I had my first legit have-a-paycheck kind of Job. With a capital J. I had an interview, I learned my social security number, that sort of thing. That was when I worked in the kitchen at Mt. Washington Care Center, washing dishes and serving elderly folks. It was satisfying, in a way, for a few different reasons - it was physical and I got stronger, I ate well for free, helped me pay for my car, it was a good break from my tough AP courses, and I got a lot of satisfaction proving to everybody there that this 15 year old kid could do anything they could, and usually faster. Not to mention it was good to have some spending money, and I felt like it was the right thing to do in high school before college - I really bought into the whole Honor Society/Working Teen/Academic All Star kinda mentality hoping it would help me get into a good school. And I did, so I'm not complaining. It just seems odd to me now that I worried so much about certain things then, and now it's a totally different set of values and headaches.

That job was part time. I was mainly in school, so I worked a few weeknights and usually one weekend night. I usually ran the dinner shift, which was about 4pm to close (around 9pm). Still, I made pretty good money!

Probably the best motivation for MWCC was that that job let me afford flight lessons. I didn't finish - I got my solo and then had to stop - but boy I had a lot of fun with that. Can't wait to get back to doing that someday. Y'know, when I don't have gazillions of dollars in student loans to pay back.

My second Job was when I got to Purdue. Towards the end of my freshman year I started working at the front desk of one of the residence halls. It was pretty easy stuff - answering phones, sorting mail, alphabetizing files and putting stickers on packets. The kind of gruntwork that makes the machine that is college turn, y'know? I got some cool stuff out of it, like free magazines.

I didn't make a ton, in part because I got paid less and I was still working very much part time. It got hard to balance school and work- I could sometimes do homework while I was there, but especially when I moved out of the building the travel time got to be a pain in the butt. Most of my big expenses like books and tuition were from loans (I couldn't make that much even if I worked double full time), so my money was mostly fun money. I usually ended up working all weekend, which kinda sucked. I listened to a lot of Purdue football games on the radio.

Summer conferences could be considered my third Job, but it shares so much in common with Student Office Staff (Job 2) - same employer, mostly same locations, same bosses, that if anything it's like Job 2.5.

At any rate, I've been spending my summers working for University Residences since (...got to school fall 04, first summer home, then...) 2006. At first I was an Operations Assistant (OA) for several years, living in the buildings on my own floor mostly by myself. I went on rounds, worked the check ins and check outs like a hotel, helping the groups coming and going through our halls have a good stay. I got to know a lot of people like Purdue administrators but also some of my good friends. The pay is pretty great, plus I get food and housing on top of it all, which is probably the main reason I keep coming back. It's also pretty easy - it's considered a "part time" job, but most of the hours are just being on call, so I can hang out in my air conditioned room and play video games and get paid to do it.

Then last summer I got promoted midway through the summer to be Senior Assistant (SA) Staffing. My SA left to take a job elsewhere, and I got moved up to take her spot. I was in charge of schedules, mostly, since a lot of the work had already been done by Lisa. I was now The Guy who Took Care of Things when they Went Wrong. Still, I mostly cruised to the end of the summer and thought I'd do that again this year.

Instead, I got brought back, but as an SA Billing. This was a bit of a change of pace for me. For ones, it's definitely a full time 40 hour position. My boss is pretty good about letting me fix my hours as long as I get my work done, which is great, since I don't sleep well. I usually come in around lunchtime and stay to the end of the day, and then I have occasional weekends where I have to come in (like right now). Working for conferences for so long really gives me a step up as a Biller, since I know what's going on.

I have an office. I go there and sit at a computer and play with names and numbers. Before every conference I have to get the roster and contract details into special software (CP5). Once the group is in house I track the meals they eat from reports we get. Then the conference leaves and I get a report of all the nights they stayed, any damages or charges, and I put together a giant bill. It gets audited internally then by the conference, then I send it to some office on campus so the University gets paid (and I do mean get paid, these contracts are usually at least several thousand dollars).

I'm making a lot more now (which is SUPER nice). Enough that I can actually pay for some things like rent and loan payments. I'm One of The Guys that gets called when there is a Problem. I work (mostly) M-F 9-5, instead of 3 or 4 days a week from noon-2 then 7pm in the building until 7am with rounds at 9 and 11 or somesuch. I handle important data and get in trouble when it's not right. I don't get to manipulate my schedule to take a week and a half off like I did as an OA. It's very different.

Admittedly, it's nice not living and breathing conferences like I was as an OA, because that really got tiresome after a while. And if I'm really good and stay on top of things, I don't get in trouble or called in after hours. More money is very nice. I wish I had a car, but don't want to pay for gas, repairs, insurance, or even a car payment. For now I learn to use the bus and plan my schedule around Jenny's work, which is for now very fortunately close and conveniently located.

All of the Purdue stuff has taken me pretty much all across the residential half of campus. By the time I'm done here I probably will have worked in just about every building we have. I've been here so long that the guys I used to make fun of for being the old guys like Kyle and Scott are now asking me when I'm about to graduate, yay.


Blah blah blah old news. What about the future?

It feels like my whole life, but especially my entire school career has been aimed towards ending up in some sort of aerospace field. I was on track until like, my third year of college when everything kind of fell apart.

One summer I almost had Job 3. I got a position for a research fellowship in the Aerospace Engineering department working for a really cool professor on a UAV project. Unfortunately, I a lot of trouble with the whole balancing-work-and-school department (sensing a pattern?) and had to drop out.

That was probably the closest I've gotten to working in the field I want to be working in. Sure, I've got some kind of employment right now, which is more than some people have right now, so I'm trying not to complain. But the fact that I've switched majors and struggled a lot in school means I haven't even gotten close to getting a "career" off the ground (heh, NPI).

I didn't have a 4.0 my freshman year, so I don't have an internship or Co-Op position to get my foot in any doors. It is only recently, with my mom's new husband Scott that I even have a remote tie to the aerospace field. I just feel like a dumb college student on the outside, looking in. Somebody who hasn't graduated yet and is watching his more intelligent peers move onto grad school or get jobs doing super cool stuff. Or worse, watching somebody younger do those things (*through gritted teeth* congratulations, guys, I'm so happy for you).

It's my fault, I guess. I don't want to blame the world for the fact I'm working at Purdue this summer and probably will next summer, instead of being on some Tiger Team at NASA staying up late trying to build an air filter from socks and a flight manual to save some astronauts.

I guess I'm just feeling a little discouraged lately. I hope I can get my new major on track this fall and start steering it away from summer conferences, towards something - anything - related to airplanes and rockets. Something I can label Job 3 and be proud it's the start of my adult career, not just some thing that works because I'm still at/in school. Something that pays the bills and loans, something that starts putting together a plan for insurance, for retirement, for a car and wedding and a house and maybe even a family.

flash point

Current Mood: overloaded



via PostSecret

the death of a dream

Current Mood: conflicted

By the time late August rolls around I'll be back in classes at Purdue University. Why is this particularly noteworthy? Well, I suppose in the grand scheme of things, it really isn't. Thousands of people go to classes every fall at schools all around the world, and I'm just a pretty normal guy.

Those that know me a little better might be saying "but Ryan, haven't you been at Purdue for a while? aren't you about finished?" And those people would be on to something.

What is different this time is that this year, I'm going to have a different major.

I'll let that sink in for a moment.

I've always prided myself on being that guy that doesn't change his major or hasn't changed it. Never even considered it, because I've always had this laser focus about my life, my career, my dreams. I've always thought I knew exactly what I wanted, it was just a question of going out and getting it, and for me, that included a stop here and a degree in aerospace engineering.

Well, life is funny sometimes. Sometimes you want one thing but really also you want another. Or things work out in a way that maybe you don't quite want the first thing so much. Or you find out that the work it takes to get to a thing is slowly grinding away at you. And so on.

The result is, after much deliberation, counseling, soul searching, research, and thought, I've decided to make a change.

I'm switching majors. This won't be easy, this already hasn't been the smoothest transition, and I constantly wonder if I'm doing the right thing. But the die have been cast, I've already done the paperwork - things are moving forward.

I've gone from Aerospace Engineering to ... Aerospace Engineering Technology.

I suppose to a lot of people it seems like I've just added a word. And in some sense, they would be right - it's not that large of a change. Certainly I'm not moving from AAE to, say, Underwater Basket Weaving or anything. It's a move from one specialized field to a slightly less specific, very, very related field. To a casual observer, it's largely the same. And that is part of what is attractive to me about it and why I've changed to it.

But there are some changes. One of the biggest ones is a shift from mathematics and theory (engineering) to hands on work and testing (technology). This means I'm more or less finished taking math courses (having finally [barely] passed differential equations I), and will instead be taking more courses out at the airport testing and working on airplanes, physically.

I can't tell you how excited that makes me.

What else. Hrm. New major has similar courses, professors, subjects. Similar starting salaries, and almost all students from both can be employed by the same companies (if anything, new major has more options). It's a smaller program, so I get more interaction with professors (and hopefully can parlay that into more opportunities for internships, projects, and ultimately, job prospects). That last bit is perhaps one of the most important - I'm learning more and more it's not what you know but who you know.

It could be a lot worse. I love Purdue, and I know this world like the back of my hand. I'm moving back down to some Freshman/Sophomore classes, and that should be easier. It'll (hopefully) boost my gpa and confidence. I'm in a rock solid relationship and have a lot of great things and people around here to help.

Two major downsides that I can see. For one, not a lot of my old courses transfer, and there are a lot of prerequisite courses to take, and a lot of courses for this major are only offered certain semesters. When this is taken all together, it brings me backwards in terms of student status.
In short, I'm going to be here a few more years at least.

This is partially mitigated by some good news. Since I've been here so long, and worked here so much, I'm now officially an "in state" resident. FINALLY! My yearly cost has gone from about 33,000 dollars to about 7,000. Nice. That takes just a little bite out of an enormous worry and debt I carry.

The second one is a lot harder to describe. Outside in the real world, nobody really cares much about college. It's just like when you're in college, nobody cares about high school. So it shouldn't really bother me the name change, especially when everything else lines up so well. But while I'm here, living and breathing school in the big bubble that is our self-contained city, your major is who you are. Especially for engineers. It's an identity, bragging rights, and a way of life all neatly contained in a single one or two word phrase. You're an Aero, or Ag, or NukeE, or Double E, or ChemE, or some other abbreviation. And it says it all. You've got your spot in the pecking order, on the pyramid, and there's a weird unspoken sort of hierarchy, respect, and at the same time pity, for those at the top.

And now I'm moving from one of the top spots in engineering to a different pyramid altogether. I don't care how you slice it, it still feels like a step down. Like I'm lowering expectations. Like I'm giving in, giving up, chickening out, whatever you want to label it, I'm feeling it.

I try to cover it up with platitudes, tell people things like "I think it's a better fit" and "I think I will get more enjoyment out of my schooling this way" and to some extent those are true, but that doesn't change the fact that I've mired and languished in this mental gauntlet for 5 years. True, I've made it farther than a lot of people I've known - people who've cracked and broken down, transferred, failed out, or quit. But it doesn't change that feeling that I've failed.

Yes, I know, there's plenty to be enjoyed and learned in the journey, and there has been and I have (some would argue the journey is the point, but that's for another time). But what I came here to do was get a degree in AAE and now I can't. That's the bottom line. I've had a lot of fun, made some amazing friends, grown so much as a person - conquered some of my stage fright, become a performer, shed some of my insecurity and uptight live-by-grades nature, things like that, but it still hurts. I feel like an academic failure, a moron, an idiot. Never mind how I would or do stack up in that mythical "real world" - it's too far away and I can't help but compare myself to the best and the brightest I started school with, live amongst, and now see graduating, working, and doing great things.

And I do mean great things. Former roommate helps run a nuclear powerplant. Another friend designs engines for the Navy. Another interns at NASA as I type this. I'm happy for them, impressed - but jealous. Which makes me feel even worse, because I am unwilling to concede anything to any disadvantage that life has thrown at me (things that other people could and do) like health problems or money or whatever - and I know that these people I admire almost certainly deserve the accolades and accomplishments they've built from countless hours studying and learning. Good old fashioned work.

But ultimately it comes back to me, and I couldn't/can't do it. I'm done. I'm tired. Last few semesters I've bounced around in engineering desperately trying to pass the mid-tiered mathematics and no matter how much I love the major, the 4th time you retake DiffEq, you have to get smart to what's going on. I'm unwilling to throw everything else (relationships, extracurriculars, what little free time and fun that I do have) away just to become a robot who lives in the basement of a building and orders Jimmy John's 6 nights a week and doesn't shower so he doesn't have to leave the building. I'm sick and tired of dreading going to class, because I'm afraid of trying to sit through one more lecture where I have no fucking clue what is going on. Sick of pretending I'm okay when in reality, I'm lost. I'm struggling. I never had a class in engineering that I just *got* right away. Most of the time I was average at best, and when you finish an exam and have only answered 1/3 of the problems and the others are left blank, you come home and want to cry, and the only reason you pass is because there's a curve and you get a C if you can get a 40% - well, it doesn't take much of that for you to start questioning things. I've done that for four years now, and I want out.

It's not fun anymore, no matter how much I pretend it is. I need a change. I feel like I'm well past the point where people are saying "of course it's not going to be fun all the time, it's engineering and it takes a lot of work." The thrill and enjoyment I get out of problem solving and learning has been replaced with dread and confusion.

Not to mention the fact that I want to do big things in engineering - and I honestly can say I've had days or weeks or months - where I wouldn't want to hire myself. I would not always trust myself to work on something that people need to rely on. There's a joke amongst professionals, something to the effect of "a doctor buries his mistakes, but an architect can hide his with ivy". Well, there's an extra bit to some engineers, and it goes "but an engineer can't hide his mistakes." Meaning when an engineer fails, bridges break. Spectacularly. Space ships explode. Spectacularly. Hundreds of millions of products have a defect, and cost billions. Basically, I want to feel like not only an engineer, but a good one. Right now, I'm not feeling that. So I want a change, something I feel competent at again. I miss that feeling.


If you can believe it, though, that's not the worst thing. For me, anyway.

Ever since I was a little kid and went to Space Camp, I've wanted to be an astronaut. That's nothing new, if you've spent 10 minutes with me that's probably something you've learned, and it's fairly obvious when you know me. That's why I'm here, that's why I'm writing this.

And to be perfectly honest, I never actually thought I would ever get to be an astronaut. Any more than I could be a fighter pilot or an NFL quarterback, it's just not in the cards. I'm not a flawless physical specimen (eyes, spine, feet, pick your poison), I'm not a gifted mental wiz (I'm smart, but seriously, these guys are incredible).

I guess I always knew in my heart it was a billion to one shot, but I always clinged (clung?) to the thought that I could be like Neil Armstrong, a little Ohio kid who grows up, is an Aero from Purdue, then goes into space (much less a world class test pilot, lecturer, musician, professor, engineer, farmer, ambassador, oh, and that little thing he did that marked a change in the very human race).

I always thought that wishing, trying, telling people I wanted to be an astronaut, no matter how crazy or far-fetched, was the right thing. It could happen? And in doing so, I would always push myself to the limit, to always do and be my very best. To never back down from what I thought was the right thing, including doing things like going to one of the top 5 engineeering schools in the country, going into crazy amounts of debt, and trying like hell to swim in this ocean of smart people they call Purdue, just on the off chance I might make it.

Basically, I might not make it as a NASA astronaut, but I could try, and I think I'd be pretty happy if I got close. Even if I didn't get close, I would've tried my best, and hopefully that would always push me to be my best.

Well, one of the requirements to be an astronaut is a college degree. Specifically one from science, mathematics, or engineering. Not technology. So unless I somehow get an advanced degree in one of those fields (unlikely, seeing as how they'll probably be harder than the undergrad one I couldn't finish), or the requirments are changed, this switch of majors is Officially the Death of that Dream. Even though I never really thought it would happen, being an astronaut is no longer even an option.

I can console myself with all sorts of terrestrial activities all I want, and I'm sure with the development of commercialized private spaceflight there'll always be a chance I could buy my way into space, but for right now it feels like I'm officially, without question, stuck here on earth.

For a kid that's been looking up his entire life, that's a tough reality to face.

taking root

Current Mood: sick of moving

I'm sick of moving. This is probably mostly a by product of all the moving I've been doing for the past two weeks, but still. Broken down:

Am living/working at Earhart Hall this summer.
Contract for work ended August 3rd, but I'm staying a week past that to help out/get hours.
Helped roommates move out the last of their things, cleaned my old apartment.
Moved the last of my things out of my old apartment into a friend's place (July 28th).
Four days later, moved all of those things again, into my new apartment but didn't stay there.
About a week later (while calling for utilities, etc.) am helping Jenny move (some of) her things.

Furniture still needs to be moved (need: truck, people stronger than me, not rain).
When I'm done at Earhart, the last bit of my things (computer, clothes, etc.) get moved in.

Whew. That should all be done by Monday.


Physically, it's not been nearly as bad as it could be. We've had a really mild summer, and even late July/early August, it's only been like mid 80's most days, instead of 100 degrees with killer humidity. Also, I have had a lot of help from my friends to move, so that's really helpful. I guess I'm just sick of having my stuff in two places, of shuffling back and forth, not having one particular item when I need it, not feeling any sense of stability.

Classes start soon and I need to finalize my schedule, get loans, and a dozen other little things.

I just want to sit in my apartment and relax after this summer, before things kick into gear again. And then I think I want to stay in this apartment as long as I can.


fall 2004: moved to Purdue - McCutcheon Hall
summer 05 - home
fall 05 - Hillenbrand Hall
summer 06 - OA Hillenbrand (different room)
fall 06 - Harrison apartment
summer 07 - OA Hillenbrand
fall 07 - Harrison apartment
summer 08 - OA Earhart
fall 08 -Waterfront apartment
summer 09 - SA Earhart
fall 09 - Fairway apartment

Part of that is that I'm still in college. Part of that is my choice in roommates and living assignments. Part of that is my live-in job for 3 months of the year. I just can't take much more moving right now!

Limited Time Offer

Current Mood: productive

After 4 straight summers of being an Operations Assistant for Purdue University Residences Conference Services, I've been promoted to Senior Assistant (Staffing) at Earhart Hall.

My former supervisor, Lisa, was hired on as SA for this summer under the arrangement that she'd be leaving July 5th to take a job at Washington State to be a new Residence Live Manager (Purdue's term) there. Originally, the Earhart Hall general manager (Ken) had ok'd the arrangement, thinking he'd shift Lisa's duties for the remainder of the summer (about 5 weeks) to the other SA (Billing) - Tony.

Once the summer got underway, however, it became apparent that things would get pretty hairy if Tony was to take on all that responsibility. The higher ups at the Conferences Division decided to ask somebody to step in as acting SA for the rest of the summer to help out.

Conferences wanted a nomination, and both Lisa and Tony suggested me, after reviewing my experience and job performance so far. Ken was supposed to approve it, but when this happened he was on vacation, so the decision was moved farther up the chain. The women in charge of all of the conferences know who I am (I've worked there for 4 years, remember?) and unanimously approved the move. Bam.

So within the span of a week, I became interim SA, and just today, started my first official day on my own as supervisor. !

I still do everything I was doing as an OA - have duty nights, go on rounds, work the office, help set up and take down various hall functions, give tours for incoming freshmen, and work the check-ins and check-outs for the various conferences that stay at our hall.

In addition, I now am in charge of more. The biggest responsibility is scheduling - I handle the schedule for 7 OAs and myself for the rest of the summer. I also am in charge of the details for every check in and check out, mainly organizing and setting up the key packets for every guest we have. I'm also supposed to be the go-to guy for any problem that comes up - stuck keys, broken elevators, basement floods, fire alarms, angry/sad/lost guests, noise complaints, late workers, and pretty much anything else that may happen. I post signs and door tags, run orientation meetings for conferences, and attend some meetings regarding large scale issues and changes for conferences.

I've moved from part time (20 hrs/week, plus about 10 hrs/week giving tours) to full time (40 hrs/week). I also get a pretty hefty raise, which is *really* nice. The workload varies a lot week-to-week, though.

Some days are easy. I have the schedule done, no conferences are coming or going, and all of my staff does their jobs and everything hums along perfectly.

Other days I'm running around the building trying to find somebody with the training or clearance to fix something I can't, or find something I wasn't quite told where to find, or something like that. So there's quite a lot of on-the job training.

But it's not like I'm completely helpless. The other SA on staff helps out a lot, the hall GM is around most of the time to help, and I've been an OA for several summers before. I'm pretty well versed in customer service, having worked the main desk at Hillenbrand Hall for a few years, and before that I worked in a kitchen at a nursing home. Plus I've been at school for a while, so I know the answers to most Purdue questions like the back of my hand.

It's the first time I've really moved beyond the entry level at a job before, and I feel very proud. This isn't what I have in mind for a lifelong career, but it still feels good. My boss(es) seemed very pleased I was able to step up and have a lot of faith and trust in my abilities and reliability.

I had actually missed the application process to do this job from the start of the summer, so in some way this feels like a second chance. Hopefully this promotion will be a stepping stone to do it again next year.

I remember when I was a little kid, when my dad would sit at the kitchen table with a ruler and a yellow legal pad, crankin' some tunes, working on his schedule. We (siblings) always joked about how dad would completely tune everything else out while he was working on the schedule - we would have to climb up into his lap just to talk to him. Both my parents have been and currently are managers in very stressful, customer-service oriented fields, and I feel like I have a tiny bit more understanding of what that takes.

I hope I can make them proud.