roll (pitch, yaw) call

Current Mood: hov'ring high in the sunlit silence

Let's shake things up a bit, shall we?

Here's a list of all of the significant airplanes in my life and career.  Not a list of my favorites (that would be a very long list) - but the ones that I have flown or worked on or otherwise interacted with.  They are near and dear to my heart, and even though there are faster or bigger or more dangerous planes out there, they will always be special to me.  With any luck, this list will get a whole lot longer before I'm done.

Cessna 152
In high school I started taking flying lessons, after school and paid for with my part time job.  I flew out of Clermont County Airport (LID), home of Sporty's Pilot Shop.  I completed most of ground school and my first solo flight (which I will never forget so long as I live), but unfortunately I ran out of time and money and didn't finish my training.  Some day, I would love to go back and earn my pilot's license.  This little plane was a single engine, high wing, tricycle gear GA classic and it was perfect - very forgiving, easy to handle, and fun to fly.

Boeing 727
FedEx donated this aircraft to Purdue University so that students in my major could beat the crap out of it learning to fix things, break things, turn things on, and turn things off.  It will probably never fly again, and some of the systems on there are disgusting, but boy if it isn't a hell of a lot of fun to mess around with.  I have crawled in, on, and around this thing all over and just seeing one in the sky makes me smile.

Cirrus SR20
Last semester I took a special maintenance course, and my primary job was taking care of 16 of these very new, very shiny airplanes.  They have an all glass cockpit with new digital displays, the engines have yet to be completely overhauled, and our highest priority was maintaining these to the highest standard - because they were used as the training fleet for our university's flight program.  I got to learn from some very skilled mechanics working on them and they are beautiful!

Boeing 737
This airplane is the flagship of Southwest Airlines, where I currently intern in the Maintenance Department (Technical Publications) as a technical writer.  I've flown in one a few times, and currently all of my work has to do with the systems and structure of these planes.  It is a workhorse, and I suspect most people would not believe the amount of work it takes to approve and ready these for flight every single day.  Gotta keep an eye out for any of the special paint jobs (called liveries) that Southwest is famous for.




Do not ask me to board this plane.



work

Current Mood: kinda bored, actually

I think I read somewhere that the average adult has seven jobs in the course of their lifetime. If that's the case, then I think I'm stuck on number two.

Growing up I definitely did house work and yard work for family and neighbors to make a few bucks, mostly cutting grass. I also did stuff like edit reports and design word art brochures for my dad's home business, which netted a few bucks here and there.

It wasn't until high school that I had my first legit have-a-paycheck kind of Job. With a capital J. I had an interview, I learned my social security number, that sort of thing. That was when I worked in the kitchen at Mt. Washington Care Center, washing dishes and serving elderly folks. It was satisfying, in a way, for a few different reasons - it was physical and I got stronger, I ate well for free, helped me pay for my car, it was a good break from my tough AP courses, and I got a lot of satisfaction proving to everybody there that this 15 year old kid could do anything they could, and usually faster. Not to mention it was good to have some spending money, and I felt like it was the right thing to do in high school before college - I really bought into the whole Honor Society/Working Teen/Academic All Star kinda mentality hoping it would help me get into a good school. And I did, so I'm not complaining. It just seems odd to me now that I worried so much about certain things then, and now it's a totally different set of values and headaches.

That job was part time. I was mainly in school, so I worked a few weeknights and usually one weekend night. I usually ran the dinner shift, which was about 4pm to close (around 9pm). Still, I made pretty good money!

Probably the best motivation for MWCC was that that job let me afford flight lessons. I didn't finish - I got my solo and then had to stop - but boy I had a lot of fun with that. Can't wait to get back to doing that someday. Y'know, when I don't have gazillions of dollars in student loans to pay back.

My second Job was when I got to Purdue. Towards the end of my freshman year I started working at the front desk of one of the residence halls. It was pretty easy stuff - answering phones, sorting mail, alphabetizing files and putting stickers on packets. The kind of gruntwork that makes the machine that is college turn, y'know? I got some cool stuff out of it, like free magazines.

I didn't make a ton, in part because I got paid less and I was still working very much part time. It got hard to balance school and work- I could sometimes do homework while I was there, but especially when I moved out of the building the travel time got to be a pain in the butt. Most of my big expenses like books and tuition were from loans (I couldn't make that much even if I worked double full time), so my money was mostly fun money. I usually ended up working all weekend, which kinda sucked. I listened to a lot of Purdue football games on the radio.

Summer conferences could be considered my third Job, but it shares so much in common with Student Office Staff (Job 2) - same employer, mostly same locations, same bosses, that if anything it's like Job 2.5.

At any rate, I've been spending my summers working for University Residences since (...got to school fall 04, first summer home, then...) 2006. At first I was an Operations Assistant (OA) for several years, living in the buildings on my own floor mostly by myself. I went on rounds, worked the check ins and check outs like a hotel, helping the groups coming and going through our halls have a good stay. I got to know a lot of people like Purdue administrators but also some of my good friends. The pay is pretty great, plus I get food and housing on top of it all, which is probably the main reason I keep coming back. It's also pretty easy - it's considered a "part time" job, but most of the hours are just being on call, so I can hang out in my air conditioned room and play video games and get paid to do it.

Then last summer I got promoted midway through the summer to be Senior Assistant (SA) Staffing. My SA left to take a job elsewhere, and I got moved up to take her spot. I was in charge of schedules, mostly, since a lot of the work had already been done by Lisa. I was now The Guy who Took Care of Things when they Went Wrong. Still, I mostly cruised to the end of the summer and thought I'd do that again this year.

Instead, I got brought back, but as an SA Billing. This was a bit of a change of pace for me. For ones, it's definitely a full time 40 hour position. My boss is pretty good about letting me fix my hours as long as I get my work done, which is great, since I don't sleep well. I usually come in around lunchtime and stay to the end of the day, and then I have occasional weekends where I have to come in (like right now). Working for conferences for so long really gives me a step up as a Biller, since I know what's going on.

I have an office. I go there and sit at a computer and play with names and numbers. Before every conference I have to get the roster and contract details into special software (CP5). Once the group is in house I track the meals they eat from reports we get. Then the conference leaves and I get a report of all the nights they stayed, any damages or charges, and I put together a giant bill. It gets audited internally then by the conference, then I send it to some office on campus so the University gets paid (and I do mean get paid, these contracts are usually at least several thousand dollars).

I'm making a lot more now (which is SUPER nice). Enough that I can actually pay for some things like rent and loan payments. I'm One of The Guys that gets called when there is a Problem. I work (mostly) M-F 9-5, instead of 3 or 4 days a week from noon-2 then 7pm in the building until 7am with rounds at 9 and 11 or somesuch. I handle important data and get in trouble when it's not right. I don't get to manipulate my schedule to take a week and a half off like I did as an OA. It's very different.

Admittedly, it's nice not living and breathing conferences like I was as an OA, because that really got tiresome after a while. And if I'm really good and stay on top of things, I don't get in trouble or called in after hours. More money is very nice. I wish I had a car, but don't want to pay for gas, repairs, insurance, or even a car payment. For now I learn to use the bus and plan my schedule around Jenny's work, which is for now very fortunately close and conveniently located.

All of the Purdue stuff has taken me pretty much all across the residential half of campus. By the time I'm done here I probably will have worked in just about every building we have. I've been here so long that the guys I used to make fun of for being the old guys like Kyle and Scott are now asking me when I'm about to graduate, yay.


Blah blah blah old news. What about the future?

It feels like my whole life, but especially my entire school career has been aimed towards ending up in some sort of aerospace field. I was on track until like, my third year of college when everything kind of fell apart.

One summer I almost had Job 3. I got a position for a research fellowship in the Aerospace Engineering department working for a really cool professor on a UAV project. Unfortunately, I a lot of trouble with the whole balancing-work-and-school department (sensing a pattern?) and had to drop out.

That was probably the closest I've gotten to working in the field I want to be working in. Sure, I've got some kind of employment right now, which is more than some people have right now, so I'm trying not to complain. But the fact that I've switched majors and struggled a lot in school means I haven't even gotten close to getting a "career" off the ground (heh, NPI).

I didn't have a 4.0 my freshman year, so I don't have an internship or Co-Op position to get my foot in any doors. It is only recently, with my mom's new husband Scott that I even have a remote tie to the aerospace field. I just feel like a dumb college student on the outside, looking in. Somebody who hasn't graduated yet and is watching his more intelligent peers move onto grad school or get jobs doing super cool stuff. Or worse, watching somebody younger do those things (*through gritted teeth* congratulations, guys, I'm so happy for you).

It's my fault, I guess. I don't want to blame the world for the fact I'm working at Purdue this summer and probably will next summer, instead of being on some Tiger Team at NASA staying up late trying to build an air filter from socks and a flight manual to save some astronauts.

I guess I'm just feeling a little discouraged lately. I hope I can get my new major on track this fall and start steering it away from summer conferences, towards something - anything - related to airplanes and rockets. Something I can label Job 3 and be proud it's the start of my adult career, not just some thing that works because I'm still at/in school. Something that pays the bills and loans, something that starts putting together a plan for insurance, for retirement, for a car and wedding and a house and maybe even a family.

the death of a dream

Current Mood: conflicted

By the time late August rolls around I'll be back in classes at Purdue University. Why is this particularly noteworthy? Well, I suppose in the grand scheme of things, it really isn't. Thousands of people go to classes every fall at schools all around the world, and I'm just a pretty normal guy.

Those that know me a little better might be saying "but Ryan, haven't you been at Purdue for a while? aren't you about finished?" And those people would be on to something.

What is different this time is that this year, I'm going to have a different major.

I'll let that sink in for a moment.

I've always prided myself on being that guy that doesn't change his major or hasn't changed it. Never even considered it, because I've always had this laser focus about my life, my career, my dreams. I've always thought I knew exactly what I wanted, it was just a question of going out and getting it, and for me, that included a stop here and a degree in aerospace engineering.

Well, life is funny sometimes. Sometimes you want one thing but really also you want another. Or things work out in a way that maybe you don't quite want the first thing so much. Or you find out that the work it takes to get to a thing is slowly grinding away at you. And so on.

The result is, after much deliberation, counseling, soul searching, research, and thought, I've decided to make a change.

I'm switching majors. This won't be easy, this already hasn't been the smoothest transition, and I constantly wonder if I'm doing the right thing. But the die have been cast, I've already done the paperwork - things are moving forward.

I've gone from Aerospace Engineering to ... Aerospace Engineering Technology.

I suppose to a lot of people it seems like I've just added a word. And in some sense, they would be right - it's not that large of a change. Certainly I'm not moving from AAE to, say, Underwater Basket Weaving or anything. It's a move from one specialized field to a slightly less specific, very, very related field. To a casual observer, it's largely the same. And that is part of what is attractive to me about it and why I've changed to it.

But there are some changes. One of the biggest ones is a shift from mathematics and theory (engineering) to hands on work and testing (technology). This means I'm more or less finished taking math courses (having finally [barely] passed differential equations I), and will instead be taking more courses out at the airport testing and working on airplanes, physically.

I can't tell you how excited that makes me.

What else. Hrm. New major has similar courses, professors, subjects. Similar starting salaries, and almost all students from both can be employed by the same companies (if anything, new major has more options). It's a smaller program, so I get more interaction with professors (and hopefully can parlay that into more opportunities for internships, projects, and ultimately, job prospects). That last bit is perhaps one of the most important - I'm learning more and more it's not what you know but who you know.

It could be a lot worse. I love Purdue, and I know this world like the back of my hand. I'm moving back down to some Freshman/Sophomore classes, and that should be easier. It'll (hopefully) boost my gpa and confidence. I'm in a rock solid relationship and have a lot of great things and people around here to help.

Two major downsides that I can see. For one, not a lot of my old courses transfer, and there are a lot of prerequisite courses to take, and a lot of courses for this major are only offered certain semesters. When this is taken all together, it brings me backwards in terms of student status.
In short, I'm going to be here a few more years at least.

This is partially mitigated by some good news. Since I've been here so long, and worked here so much, I'm now officially an "in state" resident. FINALLY! My yearly cost has gone from about 33,000 dollars to about 7,000. Nice. That takes just a little bite out of an enormous worry and debt I carry.

The second one is a lot harder to describe. Outside in the real world, nobody really cares much about college. It's just like when you're in college, nobody cares about high school. So it shouldn't really bother me the name change, especially when everything else lines up so well. But while I'm here, living and breathing school in the big bubble that is our self-contained city, your major is who you are. Especially for engineers. It's an identity, bragging rights, and a way of life all neatly contained in a single one or two word phrase. You're an Aero, or Ag, or NukeE, or Double E, or ChemE, or some other abbreviation. And it says it all. You've got your spot in the pecking order, on the pyramid, and there's a weird unspoken sort of hierarchy, respect, and at the same time pity, for those at the top.

And now I'm moving from one of the top spots in engineering to a different pyramid altogether. I don't care how you slice it, it still feels like a step down. Like I'm lowering expectations. Like I'm giving in, giving up, chickening out, whatever you want to label it, I'm feeling it.

I try to cover it up with platitudes, tell people things like "I think it's a better fit" and "I think I will get more enjoyment out of my schooling this way" and to some extent those are true, but that doesn't change the fact that I've mired and languished in this mental gauntlet for 5 years. True, I've made it farther than a lot of people I've known - people who've cracked and broken down, transferred, failed out, or quit. But it doesn't change that feeling that I've failed.

Yes, I know, there's plenty to be enjoyed and learned in the journey, and there has been and I have (some would argue the journey is the point, but that's for another time). But what I came here to do was get a degree in AAE and now I can't. That's the bottom line. I've had a lot of fun, made some amazing friends, grown so much as a person - conquered some of my stage fright, become a performer, shed some of my insecurity and uptight live-by-grades nature, things like that, but it still hurts. I feel like an academic failure, a moron, an idiot. Never mind how I would or do stack up in that mythical "real world" - it's too far away and I can't help but compare myself to the best and the brightest I started school with, live amongst, and now see graduating, working, and doing great things.

And I do mean great things. Former roommate helps run a nuclear powerplant. Another friend designs engines for the Navy. Another interns at NASA as I type this. I'm happy for them, impressed - but jealous. Which makes me feel even worse, because I am unwilling to concede anything to any disadvantage that life has thrown at me (things that other people could and do) like health problems or money or whatever - and I know that these people I admire almost certainly deserve the accolades and accomplishments they've built from countless hours studying and learning. Good old fashioned work.

But ultimately it comes back to me, and I couldn't/can't do it. I'm done. I'm tired. Last few semesters I've bounced around in engineering desperately trying to pass the mid-tiered mathematics and no matter how much I love the major, the 4th time you retake DiffEq, you have to get smart to what's going on. I'm unwilling to throw everything else (relationships, extracurriculars, what little free time and fun that I do have) away just to become a robot who lives in the basement of a building and orders Jimmy John's 6 nights a week and doesn't shower so he doesn't have to leave the building. I'm sick and tired of dreading going to class, because I'm afraid of trying to sit through one more lecture where I have no fucking clue what is going on. Sick of pretending I'm okay when in reality, I'm lost. I'm struggling. I never had a class in engineering that I just *got* right away. Most of the time I was average at best, and when you finish an exam and have only answered 1/3 of the problems and the others are left blank, you come home and want to cry, and the only reason you pass is because there's a curve and you get a C if you can get a 40% - well, it doesn't take much of that for you to start questioning things. I've done that for four years now, and I want out.

It's not fun anymore, no matter how much I pretend it is. I need a change. I feel like I'm well past the point where people are saying "of course it's not going to be fun all the time, it's engineering and it takes a lot of work." The thrill and enjoyment I get out of problem solving and learning has been replaced with dread and confusion.

Not to mention the fact that I want to do big things in engineering - and I honestly can say I've had days or weeks or months - where I wouldn't want to hire myself. I would not always trust myself to work on something that people need to rely on. There's a joke amongst professionals, something to the effect of "a doctor buries his mistakes, but an architect can hide his with ivy". Well, there's an extra bit to some engineers, and it goes "but an engineer can't hide his mistakes." Meaning when an engineer fails, bridges break. Spectacularly. Space ships explode. Spectacularly. Hundreds of millions of products have a defect, and cost billions. Basically, I want to feel like not only an engineer, but a good one. Right now, I'm not feeling that. So I want a change, something I feel competent at again. I miss that feeling.


If you can believe it, though, that's not the worst thing. For me, anyway.

Ever since I was a little kid and went to Space Camp, I've wanted to be an astronaut. That's nothing new, if you've spent 10 minutes with me that's probably something you've learned, and it's fairly obvious when you know me. That's why I'm here, that's why I'm writing this.

And to be perfectly honest, I never actually thought I would ever get to be an astronaut. Any more than I could be a fighter pilot or an NFL quarterback, it's just not in the cards. I'm not a flawless physical specimen (eyes, spine, feet, pick your poison), I'm not a gifted mental wiz (I'm smart, but seriously, these guys are incredible).

I guess I always knew in my heart it was a billion to one shot, but I always clinged (clung?) to the thought that I could be like Neil Armstrong, a little Ohio kid who grows up, is an Aero from Purdue, then goes into space (much less a world class test pilot, lecturer, musician, professor, engineer, farmer, ambassador, oh, and that little thing he did that marked a change in the very human race).

I always thought that wishing, trying, telling people I wanted to be an astronaut, no matter how crazy or far-fetched, was the right thing. It could happen? And in doing so, I would always push myself to the limit, to always do and be my very best. To never back down from what I thought was the right thing, including doing things like going to one of the top 5 engineeering schools in the country, going into crazy amounts of debt, and trying like hell to swim in this ocean of smart people they call Purdue, just on the off chance I might make it.

Basically, I might not make it as a NASA astronaut, but I could try, and I think I'd be pretty happy if I got close. Even if I didn't get close, I would've tried my best, and hopefully that would always push me to be my best.

Well, one of the requirements to be an astronaut is a college degree. Specifically one from science, mathematics, or engineering. Not technology. So unless I somehow get an advanced degree in one of those fields (unlikely, seeing as how they'll probably be harder than the undergrad one I couldn't finish), or the requirments are changed, this switch of majors is Officially the Death of that Dream. Even though I never really thought it would happen, being an astronaut is no longer even an option.

I can console myself with all sorts of terrestrial activities all I want, and I'm sure with the development of commercialized private spaceflight there'll always be a chance I could buy my way into space, but for right now it feels like I'm officially, without question, stuck here on earth.

For a kid that's been looking up his entire life, that's a tough reality to face.