what makes you think this would be any different?

Current Mood: aggravated

Still can't sleep, so I'll start this one too.

So my classes are pretty crazy. But that's only half the story. My boss wants me to work 20 hours a week and I don't know if I can do it. I get to school every morning at 7:30am and I try to go to work between classes and then after classes but I get so fed up or frustrated or tired or hungry that I usually can't make it past 6pm or so.

Still, I usually end up needing to work on the weekends to get to 20 hours. And I'm rapidly running short on time to study for tests, to make up classes (occasionally I have missed classes for a funeral, sickness, etc. - normal life stuff). I don't want to let my professor down - he did hand pick me for this position, but my god, how does anybody do this?

Mentally, I'm spent. I was spoiled last semester, I had all sorts of time to come home and just relax and dick around on the internet and decompress, read comics and watch Modern Marvels and clean up the apartment until my neurotic brain was appeased. I knew it was a little excessive, but now I've had to cut so much of that crap out just to stay on top of it and I still can't let go some days that I'm not caught up on reading every post from some website.

I've always had that problem, trying to make sure I've checked and read and understood and explored every nuance of a site or magazine or whatever is in front of me. Probably helps explain my capacity for details but seriously, when you're worried that you're missing out on some Facebook updates, does that mean it's time to ask for help?

Anyway, work is physically draining, too. I carry heavy things, I have to use all my weight to close or open certain latches, and some of the rolls of material take every bit of arm extension and muscle to cut through. I sweep and mop, take out trash, move things, lift things, and some days it's friggin' hot in there. I'm losing weight (probably doesn't hurt that my schedule seriously has cut down on the time I have to eat, no joke) at a noticeable pace.

Ironically, being exhausted from a 12 hour day actually does help me get to sleep, sometimes! But I still have sleep issues. If I don't get to sleep (not get to bed, actually get to sleep) by like, 10:30pm, I can barely get out of bed. I'm amazed I haven't fallen asleep in class yet. I dread any day I don't have Mt. Dew because I feel like I need it to get going.

But I haven't really said anything about work yet.

I'm the new guy, the Rookie, so I get teased a little bit and get assigned to do a few undesirable things like cleaning and copying things. But it's not that bad, and I generally try to do it with a smile because honestly I'm glad to have this job, I really am. I didn't even apply for it! Don't tell my boss, but I would probably be doing this for less for the experience.

But I'm older than most everybody there. And I don't act like a hot shot know it all, so a lot of times they continue to haze the previous "new guy", which is somewhat amusing to me. I spent the first few weeks shadowing everybody, getting to know how to operate a lot of the machines in lab and getting to know certain procedures.

After a time I got assigned my first project, with is a legit science assignment. I am doing research. Without getting too technical, we have a process to make composite panels. My job was/is to build a device to purify the liquid resin we put in with vacuum pressure, then run a series of layups to see if the panels have less air pockets in them. If it works, this would be a way to increase the strength and decrease the defects in the repairs we make. Maybe it sounds boring, but I think it is super cool. And it's *my* project, warts and all. And just the other day the professor wanted me to start designing and modeling a new inlet port.

He said maybe I could get a patent. And a coworker said some of my research could be published in a journal - somebody last year got to fly to Paris on the University's dime to present a paper.

How fucking cool is that?

I don't know if I will get that far - there's been some budget rumors floating around (great, another job in jeopardy, like there hasn't been enough of that going around lately). Try not to get my hopes up, but it shows how much potential there is where I'm working, which is definitely a good thing.

For now I will keep trying to stay positive, stay on top of my hours. My prof. said he thought I had a different skill set than some of the other guys in the lab, that he thought I had great potential and could do some special things for the program. I can't tell you how much that helps to hear, but now I just have to make sure I live up to the hype.

I think my goal when I started typing was to type and put words onto screen until I was too exhausted to stay awake. That was probably a dumb idea.