the wrong side of the tracks

Current Mood: nostalgic

I found this on a friend's profile and thought it was funny, so I thought I'd share.


How to sing the Blues - a primer

1. Most Blues begins with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weighs 500 pound."

4. Teenagers can't sing the blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis."

5. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

6. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking you leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on it is.

7. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

8. Good places for the Blues:
- Highway
- Jailhouse
- Empty bed
- Bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues:
- Nordstrom's
- Gallery openings
- Ivy League institutions
- Golf courses

9. No on will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person and you slept in it.

10. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:
a. You older than dirt
b. You blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis
d. You can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. You have all your teeth
b. You were once blind but now can see
c. The man in Memphis lived
d. You have 410K or trust fund

11. Blues is not a matter of colour. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

12. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues

Other acceptable beverages are:
a. Cheap wine
b. Whiskey or bourbon
c. Muddy water
d. Nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim fast

13. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.


It all kinda reminds me of that fateful car trip, and the legend of Spodiddly.