animal magnetism

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Quick! What is the most terrifying animal you can think of?

I suppose it's no big secret that I have a strong dislike of owls. Still, I know that's a personal thing, so I don't expect everybody to understand why I find them so frightening. I mean, you've got the whole silent flight thing, the giant glowing eyes, the rotating head bit, the horrifying screech as it swoops from the sky, but yeah, I guess there's some beauty or somesuch in there.

No, I'm here to discuss an even greater predator, one who I would argue is much more dangerous. More dangerous, and quite frankly, must be stopped before it's too late.

Sure, technically it's a "dolphin", and you may have seen them at your local themed waterpark performing some stupid pet tricks, but the Orcinus orca, better known a killer whale is working on becoming the most dangerous predator on the planet. Here's why:

1. They are built to destroy.
Look at this fucking thing. It's a living torpedo of death. They grow about 27 feet long, and weigh over six tons. That's six tons of muscle and teeth and just enough fat to insulate them from the frigid waters they prowl. They can swim 30 miles an hour and dive to 100 feet. Want to know how you'd stack up? An olympic swimmer can go 5 miles an hour and a champion diver about 55 feet, unaided. Also, orcas have no extraneous body parts. There is nothing on their bodies that serves any purpose other than survival. They eat an average of 500 pounds of food every day (and I mean real food, not strained krill).

2. They hunt in packs.
A killer whale by itself is an engine of destruction. Now imagine facing a pod of them, which could mean on average, six to forty of them. Sure, there are creatures in the ocean that could take on one orca and have a fighting chance (but not many). Forty? You're pretty much screwed.

3. They are everywhere.
Orcas swim wherever the hell they want, when they want to. Despite decades of "tracking" and "tagging" orcas, scientists really don't have any damn clue how they migrate because orcas know better than to be so predictable.

Think I'm kidding?

4. They're fucking smart.
The oldest known orca lived to be at least 89 years old, which means they've got a generous lifetime to learn some how to become better predators. We already know they're smart enough to learn complex song and dance routines. We also know dolphins can pass the mirror test - the first non primates to do so. Still, this pales in comparison to their hunting techniques:

* Orcas have been known to vomit onto ice flows to attract gulls. Once the birds land to check it out, the orca waiting nearby pops up and eats it. Captive orcas have shared this behavior by showing the other whales how to do it.

* Groups of orcas release coordinated bursts of bubbles from their blowholes to form a "cage" to trap fish, and then "slap" the water with their fins to stun the fish with water shockwaves. This is known as carousel feeding, and they take turns.

* Sometimes, orcas will attack sharks. Once they kill them, the often eat the nutrient-rich liver first, a Mortal-Kombat inspired finish. They know where the most valuable parts are, and they aren't afraid to get them.

* They've been known to take on blue whales - a creature about 120 feet long and 200 tons. That's a target roughly 4x as long and 33x bigger. Humans are fair game as well.

* They aren't afraid to resort to cannibalism, if they have to.

* When hunting larger prey, like seals, orcas are known to head-butt, tail slap, ram, or even breach (partially leap out of the water) and land on the things. Can you imagine the sight of a 30 foot whale leaping out of the water trying to body slam you? They've also been observed in pairs tossing baby seals in the air to each other before eating.

* You aren't safe on land, as mother orcas have been seen pushing their young onto the beach to grab prey, and pulling them back into the water by their tails if they stray too far.

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If after all of that, you still aren't convinced, do me a favor. Imagine yourself underwater, in a diving suit. The water around you is so cold, it's possible you could die of hypothermia before you drowned. It's so deep and murky that you can barely see your hand in front of you. Now plug some headphones into your computer, turn up the volume, and close your eyes as you listen to the sounds of your approaching doom.

Fortunately for us, orcas are confined to the seas...for now. We've established they're physically superior in every way, have strength of numbers, and may even be smarter than we give them credit for. Still, that's no reason for us to get complacent. These are the ultimate apex predators of the sea, and if we're not careful, of the earth. I suggest we take a proactive approach and observe them, to make sure they never, ever get opposable thumbs.