12.01.2004

debilitating burnout and painful anticipation

I'm not finished with Thanksgiving yet.

I never realized how much crap a family can accumulate in 11 years in one house. Over break I found out, however, what we managed when all of our possessions were stacked in a mountain in our living room, having been moved there a few days before sis and I got back from college. Dad had spent every moment he had outside of his full time job restoring the walls, drywall, insulation, roof, etc. while I was here at Purdue trying to make the house livable. The pictures of the process were horrifying, and I'm glad I was here and didn't have to witness the insurance and restoration companies mercilessly tear through my room recklessly ransacking everything and stuffing it into boxes.

I know I should be grateful that they made an effort to preserve my things, but they really didn't show much care with my 30 year old newspapers of the Apollo landings, my spaceship models hanging from the ceiling, or my vintage Star Wars posters. *snarl*

72 pages of inventory catalogued everything in our house, from "large wooden desk" all the way down to "Cassette- Styx: The Grand Illusion." The mountain of boxes was three wide, four tall, and at least 15 deep. The beds, of course, were buried behind it all. My room alone encompassed over 20 boxes (including six boxes of books, four boxes of Star Wars collectibles, two boxes for the stereo, and one for the telescope). Were they stacked nicely in order by room or numerically? Of course not, which was why it took us three days to find the telephone.

Extremely grateful of the work dad had done, we (dad, sis, and I, later with Brad) set to work replacing crucial things like a shower curtain and sheets on the beds. I was never so grateful for such simple things. Seeing my childhood, my science awards and science fiction models in my bedroom replaced by a stark white room devoid of character, possessions, or anything remotely mine was slightly upsetting. I didn't have the patience or energy to deal with fixing my room (fixing really isn't the right word, more like creating a new room)...that will likely comprise most of my Christmas break (sure to be another relaxing break full of seamless family traditions). Instead we focused on setting up what we could, including the new library, the essentials in the kitchen and bathrooms, and beds in the bedrooms. I slept in most days because I didn't have an alarm clock. At one point, we finally cleaned out some space in the living room for us all to sit, only to have it filled the next day with four thousand dollars worth of dry cleaning.

I know in the past I've debated which location to truly call "home", but now I know more than ever Purdue is my home...it has been since August 15th. At least here I have curtains, a full set of sheets and blankets, a computer, telephone, and television. I'm sure you could all try to make a pretty tough argument that family is a better measure of "home" than creature comforts, but any semblance of "family" I've known has long since dissolved. At least here I can bury my nose in a book away from having to make heart-breaking decisions or having meet with either parent separately for fear of an argument.

For Thanksgiving dinner, we cleared some room in the kitchen and had some leftover turkey dad brought home from work. Mom and grandma didn't come. After we cleaned up, we started painting again.

Since the entire break was an exercise in patience, work, and difficult decisions, I genuinely tried to not punch a new hole in my bedroom wall or do something else of comparable non-constructive magnitude. I took these turn of events as a chance to try to gain a better outlook on life (in the true spirit of Thanksgiving) and be less materialistic, less wrapped up in the small stuff in life and not getting worked up over certain things. I shared my car with my sister, and tried to make some time to visit some old teachers and some of my true friends (for those I missed, I promise to make time over the next break, I truly apologize). I'm even been inspired to try to reduce the amount of things I have, although that's also a task for the receivingist time of year, Christmas break. I tried to see only the positives (previous post) and simply be grateful for what I did have. I'm beginning to think that this all might be affecting me adversely in terms of mental health and energy, especially after an in-depth discussion with my high school therapist (Mrs. Barnes).

Even removing the holiday and family element, the break was strange because it was the first time in four months I'd been home. It's funny how little things change while you're gone, that you only notice because you haven't seen them every day. The physical landscape, from the resurfaced roads to the new stores and demolished buildings was different. It was very odd. Not to mention how people have changed. I still haven't been hit with "oh, you didn't hear? so-and-so got married or was killed in some drunk driving accident", but my fragile illusion of a semi-static world that stayed the same while I was gone was blown to pieces. (Notable exception- our neighbor was arrested for meth trafficking while I was gone. That didn't surprise me at all.)

I suppose I'm "fortunate" that I escaped the "traditional" first-time-home conflicts such as curfews or parties, mostly because I was too busy trying to hash out some sort of family life and home as a first priority. Sometimes you have to sacrifice what you want for what you need.

Coming back to school didn't feel fantastic either. Part of me feels guilty, like I'm leaving my family in the time of greatest need, especially for my over-worked father and my brother, caught in the middle. I got owned by my engineering exam (surpassing the first engineering exam as "the hardest test I've ever taken") Monday night and got nailed in the collarbone with a racquetball trying to relax afterwards. I'm trying desperately not to get sick, I still have an engineering practical exam on Thursday, and I'm worried about my grades.

Finals are 2 weeks away.

3 comments:

  1. I don't know how you can write such long posts with substance.

    Everything you said about going back home after being away for so long is what i picture going home for me would be like. Strange and bittersweet. I think i'll always call home where ever my family is.

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  2. Well, keep in mind that I had an entire break's worth of things to write about, not to mention that my writing (in this post, at least) was really fueled by emotion. Not exactly the best way to write sometimes, but once I started typing, a lot of it just poured out onto the screen. It felt good, though, to get it off my chest...that "Thankful for everything rosey-cheery" post just didn't cut it.

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  3. I always thought posts fuelled with emotion were better. They're more honest than the run of the mill ones.

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