Emeril, he is not

Current Mood: crazier and crazier

I'm gonna write about how nuts I am when I think about making food. Don't read this.

Sometimes I wonder if other people think like I do, because I get the feeling I'm a little strange when it comes to certain things. Cooking (or as I am more apt to label it most of the time, "preparing food", which is in and of itself probably a pretty good example of what I mean when I say a little strange) is one of them.

Some people get all jazzed about cooking, and I guess they get some sort of excitement about the pleasure of food and experimenting with flavors and stuff? I don't get any of that. I feel like a food consuming robot hell bent on efficiency. Here's a little snapshot of my thought process.

First, there's a very accurate mental inventory in my head at all times of every food item we have in the house (and sometimes more importantly, what's not there - and in that case it better be on the store list). It's just something I do, and have done since I started living on my own. I'm the apartment quartermaster, and if somebody finishes off something and doesn't tell me and/or put it on the store list it angers me greatly. So I'll skim through my mental list and come up with a handful of candidates for the meal in question.

Here I start to weigh the relative options of going out to eat or ordering food. How much money do I have? How far away is the place, and is there anything going on on campus that would increase the travel time? When was the last time I ate out? Is it on the far side of town - do I need to do anything else out there while I'm there? Do they have something there that I can't or won't make here? But this post is about me making food so just know that that runs through my head.

I'll ask anybody I'm eating with their preference and narrow it down. I'm usually pretty indecisive at this point. Have we eaten this thing recently? If not it's pretty much fair game. I don't keep many foods in the house I don't want to eat.

I'm pretty insistent just about every meal is somewhat balanced. Since I'm a grownup now I try to put fruit and or vegetables in every meal, even though I hate a lot of them still. *shrug* So it has to be a complete meal or else I need convincing. This is the health portion of my decision.

I factor in how much effort it will take to make the meal vs. how much return I will get. By that I mean if I'm the only one eating, I'm sure as hell not going to make a giant spaghetti meal, no matter how delicious it sounds, just for me. I'm just not willing to make the effort. I will wait a week or longer until I have the right number of people, because then all of that work feeds more. Preheating the oven takes the same amount of time, boiling water takes the same time, cooking time is the same, but suddenly I feel extremely pleased with the efficiency of the whole operation.

I also have to balance how much time it will take to make vs. how much time I have before go to class/work/bed, etc. And what time it is in the day. If I think I can wait until the food is cooked because sometimes I come home from work ready to eat my own arm. Portion sizes - can I make leftovers? If so, will they be eaten in about a week (I am pretty unforgiving when it comes to leftovers) - can I take it for lunch or can I reuse the parts in another meal? Is there anything in the fridge that has to be finished off soon? Even stupid efficiency bullshit like can I finish off a box or bag if I make X instead of Y.

Nothing escapes my critical questioning. In the summer - should I save this meal for dinner so that I don't heat up the apartment with the oven? In the winter - can I save money with a crock pot meal, even though it is a ton of work to prepare? Dozens of ideas and scenarios run through my head.

If I have made my decision and the utensils/pots and pans required for that meal are dirty I get super pissed. If I'm gonna take the time and effort to make some food, I do not want to have to clean things then. Of course in that scenario, chances are very high if they are dirty the sink is also full. So now I have to the dishes to clear the sink to clean the pots and pans to make food.


THEN, once all that madness is settled and I'm actually ready to make something, it's a whole 'nother set of parameters that take over. My new goal is to try to make the food come out the same every time I make it, as consistently as possible. To use as few dishes as possible, in the right order, while still keeping everything sanitary and food safe. And then the holy grail for me, is when I can make everything - the main course, the side dishes, the drinks and table settings, all line up so they finish at the same time, so all the timers ding together and everything is served at one time. Boom.

One meal done. Dad always made it look easy.


I know some people who open the fridge, pick something, nuke it, and are happy. Must be nice.