he's still right, folks

Current Mood: blech

Work is exhausting. Actually, let me back up. This semester is exhausting. I'm taking 18 credit hours. Minimum full time is 12 credit hours, and I think I only ever had 1 other semester that was this many. I don't remember which one, though, all my semesters are seriously blurring together because I have been in school a long time at this point.

I have 5 classes, and each one has a 3 hour lab (one is 4, actually). Every day of the week. I've never had this many labs and it's grueling. To be fair, I don't actually have as much homework in the typical sense, and unlike some classes I have taken the lecture material and the lab work match up pretty well most of the time. We talk about timing magnetos, then we time magnetos, for example.

The level of hands on-itude in this major is blowing my mind. There is a very good chance by the time I am done here that I will get my A&P (Airframe and Powerplant) Certificate, meaning I am qualified by the FAA to repair and inspect airplanes and their engines. Not what I want to do for a career, but that's still pretty great. And it is a ton of practical knowledge for anybody in my field, knowledge that I'm honestly surprised is not required for engineers (my former major), even though there's a part of my brain that is telling me that's just a cop out justification for my switch to an easier program.

Well, maybe academically easier. I feel like my math skills are starting to atrophy from lack of use. There's just not much theory going on, which is what I was told going in but seeing it day to day is somewhat shocking from the viewpoint of where I was. Every component we need to look at and touch, install, take apart, repair, test, and reinstall. Some of it is very difficult just from a motor skill perspective. I have never welded, never soldered, never riveted before. Some of it feels almost...outdated? But despite what you may hear about sexy composite structures, there are aluminum aircraft flying today that are 40, 50 years old with plans to be in service another 30 years. So this is relevant knowledge.

Some days I am stunned by how long we spend on a subject. Something that would be assigned as light, almost trivial reading for homework in engineering is explained over and over in technology. They hold our hands like and avoid the word "formula" if they can.

Other days I'm bowled over by the brevity. Professors will mention some aspect of an airplane, or how something works, and we get the cliffs notes version, when in engineering that entire theory, concept, whatever was an entire month's worth of work. And I'm left there with my mouth hanging open, wondering when we're going to get an assload of problems working out the enthalpy of a closed system carnot cycle efficiency heat engine with a partial properties chart. Nope! Just point to the right colored box on the diagram!

I'm doing pretty well, and it feels great to be "smart" again. My counselor was gushing over my grades last semester. It made me feel smart. And at the same time, not? Does that make sense? Or one of my professors will make a comment about "those engineers". "Those engineers don't understand that we need X" or "Those engineers won't bother to check for Y". I cringe on the inside. I was one of them. I was set to be one of them. And I still wish I was, until I think about my 301 final and how badly I cried when I realized I couldn't understand the first problem after an entire semester of trying.

I've taken flight lessons, but I'm not a pilot. I've taken engineering classes, but I'm not an engineer. I'm in a technology program, but I don't think of myself as a technician. I do research but I'm not a scientist. I'm not a mechanic, or a manager, or a salesman. I'm a little bit of everything and some days I wonder where I fit in. Or where I will fit in.

Now they're redesigning the AET curriculum, and I'm hearing rumors it's trying to be molded to more of a core curriculum for the rest of the campus, the A&P will become optional, it's going to be more engineering minded, whatever. I don't know. I want to be done, I want to get my degree, get my certifications, and get a job. Get money and fix some of the crap I have going on. I don't want to worry that the class I'm in will be the last of it's kind and if I fail it won't be available again.

I hate that I'm somewhat desensitized to failing a class. I couldn't fathom that until I got to college. Now, it's still an awful thought, but it's happened so many times it just leaves me with a numb feeling. Engineering has really screwed me up.

Gosh this is a clusterfuck of thoughts pouring out.

I do like my major, I really do. It's super cool when I get to the airport in the morning and the runway lights are on. The other day an F-18 landed 50 feet from where I go to work. I inspect and service actual aircraft engines. I'm doing very well and I'm in such a better position than I ever was in engineering. I just still have so many semesters left, and this routine is starting to grind me down. A week until spring break and I am exhausted.

Here's a good analogy: I feel like I'm an athlete that couldn't cut it at a big school and transferred to a junior college. Now I'm doing better, but I wonder if I can make it to the pros?

I'll get to my thoughts about work soon enough, this is enough for now. I just can't sleep and I figured typing this is better than nothing.