Iowa Hawkeys

Judge Justin's Second Court of Bitchslap

Defendant: Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi
Charge: Steroid Usage
Plaintiff: Baseball Fans

Some of you may not realize this, but I am a hardcore Red Sox fan (a subject I don't delve into nearly enough). So I have a simple method for determining guilt in baseball players. If they don't play for the Sox, they should burn in hell for their steroid usage. If they do, well, let them off with a warning.

Fine, I'll be objective. On the one hand, chicks dig the long ball. On the other hand, girls don't know shit about baseball. On yet another hand, it's fun to watch. On one final hand, does anyone really want Bonds to break Aaron's record? Did anyone want him to break McGwire's? Not me, that's for sure. Personally, I hope he develops some kind of rash at the base of his rectum that can only be cured by striking out and being sodomized by J.T. Snow on the walk back to the dugout.

As for Giambi, he's a Yankee, so fill in the blanks. Though I will say it's hysterical to see the Yankees' $120 million player go down in flames. Not as funny as when AROD eventually gets caught alone in the locker room fondling a Derek Jeter poster, but high comedy nonetheless.

Verdict: GUILTY.