death spiral

metaphor time

My shoulder angel is the somewhat handsome version of me, with the aviator sunglasses, Hawaiian shirt, shorts, and sandals. He's got a grin on his face, and he's got a great happy-go-lucky attitude about life. Humor is this guy's middle name, and all the great wit and charm I posses comes straight from his mouth. Nothing really gets to him, because deep down, he's determined to get to where I'm going. He also understands some setbacks are part of the journey and actually tries to find the positives in the curveballs life throws at him (us). Heck, even calls them "curveballs" instead of other much more vulgar words. Any time a compliment comes my way, this guy is proud but just the right amount of modest. The shoulder angel is happy with simple things, like Calvin and Hobbes or a good rock song. When somebody is my friend, they're really friends with him, because I try with every ounce of energy to be him to the world.

My shoulder devil is "more machine than man", a cold, calculating heartless robot bent on the path ahead. He constantly berates me, and tells me that I'm not good enough. He looks like a sickly scrawny version of me, curled up on a Stryker bed in a back brace telling me "you're too small" and "you're not doing well enough". Ever the victim, he tells me that everything bad in my life is a circumstance of the world I live in and that I have to do better. He sets very high expectations and holds me to them at gunpoint. An endless well of sarcasm and cynicism, he sometimes expresses his opinion when I get frustrated or let my guard down. Nobody really understands that every single thing I do he's got a stopwatch or a clipboard going "do this faster, longer, harder, better" and puts doubts in my head. The shoulder devil is a dark, brooding person who prefers to stew in his own heartbreak and misery to contemplate the next level of torture and suffering.

The funny thing is, like in the cartoons, the shoulder angel and devil are talking to me at the same time, both trying to win me over to express their point of view.

...

Just like Jacob said, walking out of that last final was like a breath of fresh air. Now, no matter what happens, it's finished. Good or bad, the first semester at Purdue is over. The time has come to be a man and finally come to terms with it. Face the facts- I will probably have to retake Calculus I next semester. As much of a slap in the face that is, a bitter sting to my pride, work ethic, and intelligence that I either have or think I have, I simply just did not do very well this semester. That goes for all of my grades, not just calculus. I don't know what happened, but nothing from high school really applies any more, and I'm at a loss of what to do. I try to tell myself that I get a practice semester, that I'm not supposed to be a perfect student the first time and that nowhere is it written that I have to do everything right the first time, especially college. And besides, I said it earlier, and I meant it- they can't keep me out of here. I will retake every single goddamn class if I have to if it that's what it means. I will not be denied my dream so easily- if I can't dazzle them with brilliance A Beautiful Mind-style, then I'll convince them that I'm the right man for the job simply through sheer willpower and perseverance.

Not that that makes any of this easier. For all intents and purposes, for such mediocre grades, I really don't have any explanation. I could sit here and tell you all day that my surgery and my breakups and my parents fighting/divorcing/whatever are the reasons that I didn't do as well as I not only assumed but expected (and quite really was told), but that won't convince me for a nanosecond. I really wish I could say that I didn't get horrible grades for nothing, that I drank my ass off, or partied my ass off, hell, I'd settle for XBoxing or even reading my ass off. But no, I pretty much just went through each day doing nothing really spectacular or in excess, and in the end, it just wasn't good enough.

Ok, Mr. Bigshot Aerospace Engineer wannabe. You want this so bad? Then get your act together and start doing better. Quit assuming some sort of magical collegiate grading scale or curve is going to save your ass at the end of the semester. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm somehow going to have to not only fix this, but do even better. I'm having trouble accepting this for the inaugural semester, but I don't think I can really do this again. You had your semester to figure out the campus, the system, studying, how important exams are, whatever. Now kick it into high gear, ignore the pain, whatever, just do it. Nobody said this was easy, but I grossly underestimated this all.

My GPA isn't looking so hot, and neither is my EAI (which determines placement), and it's not helping that 4 out of 5 of my classes go to the latter. I seriously doubt I'll have a good enough GPA to warrant an invitation to a Co-op job placement, which really is disappointing to myself. My calculus final ended up as a dismal low 60%, and my physics final was a 75%. Unacceptable. I can only hope that the confidence I had leaving my last final (chemistry) means I did better. It's done now, there's nothing you can do, so move on, learn from your mistakes and try to have a great Christmas break.

"Remember, nothing ever worth having came easy"
-Air Force Colonel (Ret.) Rodney Cron

Quite a bleak outlook for Christmas break. As far as I can tell currently, Mom isn't going to be spending the holidays with us. If it weren't for my very good new friends here at Purdue, I don't know how I would've survived finals week or how I would be getting home tomorrow- thanks.