Late night thinking

I've been thinking lately.

On one hand, all my life, I've known I was destined for something greater than Eastgate or Amelia, Ohio. I'm pretty sure I was put on this earth to go into space (or something close........maybe a pilot? fighter pilot? space fighter pilot?). I figured I'd go to college, work for some aerospace company, maybe serve in the Air Force for a while, transfer to NASA, and live my life like that, a sort of "Garwood legend" as the one in my family that's gone the farthest, literally.

However, there's this opposite force inside me that looks at my less-than stellar eyesight, back problems, and other things, and asks me if I can really pull it off. For generations, my family has been rooted in a "Midwestern work ethic/ middle class/ blue collar/ do something simple and raise a family/ be a decent person and a good citizen" mentality (just look at my dad). It's nothing to be ashamed of (quite the opposite, I admire my Dad the most)........and something that looks more and more plausible every day that I feel like I do. Maybe I'm not cut out to do what I think. Maybe I should just go to college, find a wife, raise a family, and settle down. There's nothing wrong with that, right? For all practical purposes, I've proved I can survive in the real world and I'm positive I could get a decent job. Would a soul-crushing job like Mt. Washington for the rest of my life drive me insane?

Another part of me says that there's no harm in trying, and that I'll be eternally doomed to regret if I don't at least try.........but I'd hate to try to plunge my whole life into my career and miss the finer things in life, or, even worse yet, try to raise a family while trying to balance a career and screw up everything by working too much and never being there.

I dunno. Maybe I'm just sleepy. Maybe I'm over-analyzing. Maybe it's the medication. Maybe it's my surgery. Maybe it's my parents fighting. Maybe it's 2:30 in the morning. Maybe I just need to shut up and quit being all wimpy.

I guess I've always doubted my own abilities. I think I'm perpetually afraid of being boastful or cocky (something my parents taught me to avoid at all costs). I didn't think I was good enough to get into NHS, into Purdue, get a pilot's license (which I haven't yet), I constantly doubt my boss's opinion of me, I'm not sure I'll even survive my first year of college. The result of this is I drive myself to 110%, all the time. It's wearing me out. I thought I would be ok in college, but everybody says "you think it's tough now, wait till you get into college" or something like that. I'm doing my best right now, and if college is so much harder, I've got no chance. At the same time, I never am able to accept enough is enough. Sure, I can't work as much as my co-workers, but I work part time. Sure, Matt Risely scored a few points higher on the ACT, but can he land a Cessna? I guess I just have to start accepting my best, and if that's not good enough, then it's not good enough.
At least I'll have tried my best.