the death of a dream

Current Mood: conflicted

By the time late August rolls around I'll be back in classes at Purdue University. Why is this particularly noteworthy? Well, I suppose in the grand scheme of things, it really isn't. Thousands of people go to classes every fall at schools all around the world, and I'm just a pretty normal guy.

Those that know me a little better might be saying "but Ryan, haven't you been at Purdue for a while? aren't you about finished?" And those people would be on to something.

What is different this time is that this year, I'm going to have a different major.

I'll let that sink in for a moment.

I've always prided myself on being that guy that doesn't change his major or hasn't changed it. Never even considered it, because I've always had this laser focus about my life, my career, my dreams. I've always thought I knew exactly what I wanted, it was just a question of going out and getting it, and for me, that included a stop here and a degree in aerospace engineering.

Well, life is funny sometimes. Sometimes you want one thing but really also you want another. Or things work out in a way that maybe you don't quite want the first thing so much. Or you find out that the work it takes to get to a thing is slowly grinding away at you. And so on.

The result is, after much deliberation, counseling, soul searching, research, and thought, I've decided to make a change.

I'm switching majors. This won't be easy, this already hasn't been the smoothest transition, and I constantly wonder if I'm doing the right thing. But the die have been cast, I've already done the paperwork - things are moving forward.

I've gone from Aerospace Engineering to ... Aerospace Engineering Technology.

I suppose to a lot of people it seems like I've just added a word. And in some sense, they would be right - it's not that large of a change. Certainly I'm not moving from AAE to, say, Underwater Basket Weaving or anything. It's a move from one specialized field to a slightly less specific, very, very related field. To a casual observer, it's largely the same. And that is part of what is attractive to me about it and why I've changed to it.

But there are some changes. One of the biggest ones is a shift from mathematics and theory (engineering) to hands on work and testing (technology). This means I'm more or less finished taking math courses (having finally [barely] passed differential equations I), and will instead be taking more courses out at the airport testing and working on airplanes, physically.

I can't tell you how excited that makes me.

What else. Hrm. New major has similar courses, professors, subjects. Similar starting salaries, and almost all students from both can be employed by the same companies (if anything, new major has more options). It's a smaller program, so I get more interaction with professors (and hopefully can parlay that into more opportunities for internships, projects, and ultimately, job prospects). That last bit is perhaps one of the most important - I'm learning more and more it's not what you know but who you know.

It could be a lot worse. I love Purdue, and I know this world like the back of my hand. I'm moving back down to some Freshman/Sophomore classes, and that should be easier. It'll (hopefully) boost my gpa and confidence. I'm in a rock solid relationship and have a lot of great things and people around here to help.

Two major downsides that I can see. For one, not a lot of my old courses transfer, and there are a lot of prerequisite courses to take, and a lot of courses for this major are only offered certain semesters. When this is taken all together, it brings me backwards in terms of student status.
In short, I'm going to be here a few more years at least.

This is partially mitigated by some good news. Since I've been here so long, and worked here so much, I'm now officially an "in state" resident. FINALLY! My yearly cost has gone from about 33,000 dollars to about 7,000. Nice. That takes just a little bite out of an enormous worry and debt I carry.

The second one is a lot harder to describe. Outside in the real world, nobody really cares much about college. It's just like when you're in college, nobody cares about high school. So it shouldn't really bother me the name change, especially when everything else lines up so well. But while I'm here, living and breathing school in the big bubble that is our self-contained city, your major is who you are. Especially for engineers. It's an identity, bragging rights, and a way of life all neatly contained in a single one or two word phrase. You're an Aero, or Ag, or NukeE, or Double E, or ChemE, or some other abbreviation. And it says it all. You've got your spot in the pecking order, on the pyramid, and there's a weird unspoken sort of hierarchy, respect, and at the same time pity, for those at the top.

And now I'm moving from one of the top spots in engineering to a different pyramid altogether. I don't care how you slice it, it still feels like a step down. Like I'm lowering expectations. Like I'm giving in, giving up, chickening out, whatever you want to label it, I'm feeling it.

I try to cover it up with platitudes, tell people things like "I think it's a better fit" and "I think I will get more enjoyment out of my schooling this way" and to some extent those are true, but that doesn't change the fact that I've mired and languished in this mental gauntlet for 5 years. True, I've made it farther than a lot of people I've known - people who've cracked and broken down, transferred, failed out, or quit. But it doesn't change that feeling that I've failed.

Yes, I know, there's plenty to be enjoyed and learned in the journey, and there has been and I have (some would argue the journey is the point, but that's for another time). But what I came here to do was get a degree in AAE and now I can't. That's the bottom line. I've had a lot of fun, made some amazing friends, grown so much as a person - conquered some of my stage fright, become a performer, shed some of my insecurity and uptight live-by-grades nature, things like that, but it still hurts. I feel like an academic failure, a moron, an idiot. Never mind how I would or do stack up in that mythical "real world" - it's too far away and I can't help but compare myself to the best and the brightest I started school with, live amongst, and now see graduating, working, and doing great things.

And I do mean great things. Former roommate helps run a nuclear powerplant. Another friend designs engines for the Navy. Another interns at NASA as I type this. I'm happy for them, impressed - but jealous. Which makes me feel even worse, because I am unwilling to concede anything to any disadvantage that life has thrown at me (things that other people could and do) like health problems or money or whatever - and I know that these people I admire almost certainly deserve the accolades and accomplishments they've built from countless hours studying and learning. Good old fashioned work.

But ultimately it comes back to me, and I couldn't/can't do it. I'm done. I'm tired. Last few semesters I've bounced around in engineering desperately trying to pass the mid-tiered mathematics and no matter how much I love the major, the 4th time you retake DiffEq, you have to get smart to what's going on. I'm unwilling to throw everything else (relationships, extracurriculars, what little free time and fun that I do have) away just to become a robot who lives in the basement of a building and orders Jimmy John's 6 nights a week and doesn't shower so he doesn't have to leave the building. I'm sick and tired of dreading going to class, because I'm afraid of trying to sit through one more lecture where I have no fucking clue what is going on. Sick of pretending I'm okay when in reality, I'm lost. I'm struggling. I never had a class in engineering that I just *got* right away. Most of the time I was average at best, and when you finish an exam and have only answered 1/3 of the problems and the others are left blank, you come home and want to cry, and the only reason you pass is because there's a curve and you get a C if you can get a 40% - well, it doesn't take much of that for you to start questioning things. I've done that for four years now, and I want out.

It's not fun anymore, no matter how much I pretend it is. I need a change. I feel like I'm well past the point where people are saying "of course it's not going to be fun all the time, it's engineering and it takes a lot of work." The thrill and enjoyment I get out of problem solving and learning has been replaced with dread and confusion.

Not to mention the fact that I want to do big things in engineering - and I honestly can say I've had days or weeks or months - where I wouldn't want to hire myself. I would not always trust myself to work on something that people need to rely on. There's a joke amongst professionals, something to the effect of "a doctor buries his mistakes, but an architect can hide his with ivy". Well, there's an extra bit to some engineers, and it goes "but an engineer can't hide his mistakes." Meaning when an engineer fails, bridges break. Spectacularly. Space ships explode. Spectacularly. Hundreds of millions of products have a defect, and cost billions. Basically, I want to feel like not only an engineer, but a good one. Right now, I'm not feeling that. So I want a change, something I feel competent at again. I miss that feeling.


If you can believe it, though, that's not the worst thing. For me, anyway.

Ever since I was a little kid and went to Space Camp, I've wanted to be an astronaut. That's nothing new, if you've spent 10 minutes with me that's probably something you've learned, and it's fairly obvious when you know me. That's why I'm here, that's why I'm writing this.

And to be perfectly honest, I never actually thought I would ever get to be an astronaut. Any more than I could be a fighter pilot or an NFL quarterback, it's just not in the cards. I'm not a flawless physical specimen (eyes, spine, feet, pick your poison), I'm not a gifted mental wiz (I'm smart, but seriously, these guys are incredible).

I guess I always knew in my heart it was a billion to one shot, but I always clinged (clung?) to the thought that I could be like Neil Armstrong, a little Ohio kid who grows up, is an Aero from Purdue, then goes into space (much less a world class test pilot, lecturer, musician, professor, engineer, farmer, ambassador, oh, and that little thing he did that marked a change in the very human race).

I always thought that wishing, trying, telling people I wanted to be an astronaut, no matter how crazy or far-fetched, was the right thing. It could happen? And in doing so, I would always push myself to the limit, to always do and be my very best. To never back down from what I thought was the right thing, including doing things like going to one of the top 5 engineeering schools in the country, going into crazy amounts of debt, and trying like hell to swim in this ocean of smart people they call Purdue, just on the off chance I might make it.

Basically, I might not make it as a NASA astronaut, but I could try, and I think I'd be pretty happy if I got close. Even if I didn't get close, I would've tried my best, and hopefully that would always push me to be my best.

Well, one of the requirements to be an astronaut is a college degree. Specifically one from science, mathematics, or engineering. Not technology. So unless I somehow get an advanced degree in one of those fields (unlikely, seeing as how they'll probably be harder than the undergrad one I couldn't finish), or the requirments are changed, this switch of majors is Officially the Death of that Dream. Even though I never really thought it would happen, being an astronaut is no longer even an option.

I can console myself with all sorts of terrestrial activities all I want, and I'm sure with the development of commercialized private spaceflight there'll always be a chance I could buy my way into space, but for right now it feels like I'm officially, without question, stuck here on earth.

For a kid that's been looking up his entire life, that's a tough reality to face.