a sense of finality

Current Mood: polar
Current Music: "Shooting Star" by Bad Company

I don't know how much of this to share. I don't know what words to put, and which to hold back. Suffice to say I'm uneasy at best about what will happen when I go home for Thanksgiving.



I found out on Friday that my parents were actually divorced.



They'd been that way since September...somebody finally got around to telling me. The paperwork is final. Mom's been to Vegas and back in the past few weeks, as well as a few other cities, and the only reason I found out was because Grandma mentioned it in a letter.

Finances have been strained for years- dad's taken on a second part time job, and then a third by starting his own business. For a while it seemed like things were getting better...minor setbacks but in general, better communication. Some brilliant financial moves on Dad's part kept us going, but that came at the sacrifice of his day job, most of his energy- his only goal was to work and keep things from falling apart at the seams. I can't remember the last time dad slept in or took a day off.

Then over the summer I wrecked my car. That didn't help. A few weeks later dad got hit by a Metro bus, and since it's considered a government vehicle "he" was at fault, our insurance had to pay, and we were dropped. Now he drives my car uninsured to Perkins, where he works doing what he has always done (working in a restaurant) to pay the bills. I bet he hates it.

Almost every single day he takes care of Bradley, making sure he has food, getting him back and forth to school and band, and making sure he has some semblance of stability. When he's working his first job, or home inspecting, Sis finds time to take care of him, to take him away. I can only imagine how any of them do it.

Dad, working nonstop. Selfless.
Sis, new job, trying to move forward without compromising what's behind.
Brad, at those pivotal intervening years, managing.


Some...other stuff happened. When I heard, I was all kinds of furious. Sis had to leave work and now Bradley is NOT living with mom anymore. Sis is spending Thanksgiving with Jacob in DC, and she's very clearly not talking with mom.


Call me an optimist, but, for a while, it looked like things were at least civil. Grandma can't make up her mind what to do and doesn't want to "choose sides", and asks me what to do. How the hell do I know?

Then mom wanted to help me get home, but after I told her I wasn't going to stay at her house, she stopped talking to me. I wondered if I was going home. If I could. If I should. I talked to dad...he really wanted me home, so he moved mountains to get me some last minute Amtrak tickets.

Worth noting that I had a generous outpouring of offers to spend Thanksgiving with several of my friends, not just the ones at Purdue. It warms my heart.


Depart Lafayette, IN Tuesday, November 22nd, 11:45pm
Arrive Cincinnati, OH Wednesday, November 23rd, 4:52am
-> future post: Thanksgiving plans/schedule
Depart Cincinnati, OH Saturday, November 26th, 3:00am
Arrive Lafayette, IN Saturday, November 26th, 8:22am


I feel like I'm watching behind a glass wall. 200 miles away as my family falls apart. My reality is exams and code, derivatives and light waves. I wonder every day if there's something I could do there, instead of worrying about grades and student loans.


To my closest friends:
I feel that lately I've been less than myself. Not as funny, not as dependable, not as intelligent, or treated you with anything less than the amazing friendship you deserve. If I've been short with you, or snapped at you, not been there for you for some reason...I'm sorry.

I'm trying.