bedside notebook

Current Mood: worn out
Current Music: "Dream On" by Aerosmith

I need Thanksgiving break yesterday.

However, I still have Friday, next week, and Monday-Tuesday. At least I don't have another exam next week. That'd be about five weeks in a row. My CS exam yesterday was decent, but the normal suck of Wednesday (class 8-5, exam, fighting with mom on the phone over Thanskgiving, homework) bled over into today where I was tired and exhausted and I broke my CATIA part so bad that Professor Gable couldn't even fix it. Tomorrow is my big persuasive speech for COM, and I'm not at all enthused about it.

I just want it to be Friday night. I want to go to improv and laugh and be funny and get hugs and get claps and make people laugh. I don't want to worry about grades, worry about money, worry about sleep or food or Taylor series or projects or code or constraints or magnetic fields or groups or anything of the sort.

I guess this is what it feels like to risk it all for a dream. To want something so badly that you're willing to spend thousands of dollars you don't have to go far away to a new place and do something few attempt and fewer actually accomplish. To bolster your own failing confidence and energy with the hopes and well wishes of your closest friends and supporters, even in the middle of struggle. Especially in the middle of struggle.

It's tough to explain.


...


For the better part of my life I've been defined by numbers, grades, GPAs.

Academics.

It's who I was, and it was what I was good at. It's what I did, and what I used to justify not doing other things, at least not doing them well.


Now I'm here at possibly the best place for me, and I have fantastic friends, some really great relationships, and a sense of being, a sense of belonging, a sense of school spirit and pride I've never known before. I have more self confidence and I have a smile. I feel like the personality that is *me* has never been more defined, so polished and prominent.

Improv, however, doesn't get me into Aero. It keeps me sane, but it doesn't help me understand my homework any better nor does it get me better grades on my exams. Everybody can believe in me and it doesn't mean anything if I can't pass Calc II. Gah. People have confidence in me, but that doesn't change my scores.