Weekends are tough around here. Sometimes I end up feeling like John Cusack in High Fidelity. I sleep alot...and spend a lot of time on the computer and watching tv/movies. Only rarely do I find the motivation to workout, do homework, or go places. Usually I just sit here- too lazy and tired to do something useful, to stubborn to do something like drink or go to a party. I will not let one bad weekend ruin everything I've worked for.
I credit a lot of my determination and drive to my heroes, be they fictional or not...but I have nothing to fight. I'm not a coal-miner's son with a diapproving father. I'm not a genius with a touch of schizophrenia, looking for "a truly original idea". I don't have cancer to fight. I'm not stranded in a crippled spacecraft. I'm not protecting the ringbearer with my life. My father is not the most feared and hated man in the galaxy. I don't even have superpowers I have to disguise. I'm just a ordinary guy fighing against the normal day-to-day routine...homework due in this class, and exam in that class. It's as if all my friends and family are supportive and caring, and I'm fighting myself. Yes, that's it. I'm fighting from within against my own doubts and insecurities. My own heartache and pain that nobody else really understands.
Blech.
I went to the Tippecanoe mall on Friday. It's probably about the same size as Eastgate back home...maybe a store or two bigger. Not nearly as nice, though. Abnormally long bus ride. Jasmine and Alisha dressed me up Abercrombie and told me I looked pretty good, but I felt like a prep...a sellout...a phony just by wearing it. I dunno. The shirt alone cost so much I could've used the money to pay for a full hour of aircraft rental and instruction time back home and had some left over. I just can't justify spending that much on a shirt. On the flip side, I have no nice shirts- not a single collared shirt. Perhaps I can persuade mom to throw some cash my way.
I missed improv too...not a good idea. I need that laughter.
Another team falls to the Boilermakers, this time Notre Dame, 41-16, which puts us at 4-0, 1-0 in the Big Ten. BOILER UP! Our defense was much improved, with good performance from special teams and a seamless Kyle Orton (our Heisman hopeful). We broke a 13 game losing streak over there in South Bend, and we're the first team this year to beat the Fightin' Irish. Highlights include a record-breaking 101 yard return TD and a recovered fumble on the Purdue 2 yard line. Jasmine invited me to watch it over in her room with Alisha, we ordered pizza. The only bad part came when I tried to tell Eric about it. Eric, who likes college football like I like Star Wars. Turns out he's not excited that I'm starting to like football. *note to self- don't talk about Purdue football with Eric*
Did a little movie swap...Jason watched The Count of Monte Cristo, I watched Chronicles of Riddick. He said mine was "good, but not awesome" and I said his was "mediocre, a mix of Resident Evil and Starship Troopers." I actually did a bit of homework too, and hit an all time high mileage at the gym (7 miles, combined treadmill and bike).
I remember earlier making a list of goals for the first semester here. I think I forgot one- upon finding that people here actually care about the school newspaper (unlike high school), I decided I wanted to get something published in The Exponent. Got a call Friday afternoon to look in the paper next week- they're gonna publish my letter about the music program. Mission accomplished.
Ok...now for the bad news. This upcoming week blows. One hour Engineering exam Tuesday night, two hour Physics exam Wednesday night, huge Engineering assignment due Thursday. Ouch. The crucible before our first "break". If I don't post much in the next week or so, this is why.
I think I might celebrate with a little Star Wars marathon, a visit from Mom and Brad, Improv, and haircut. I'm also toying with the idea of going home with one of my friends, just to shake things up. We'll see- gotta get through this week first.
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I like what you said about 'being a hero' so to speak, and funnily enough i understand what you mean. And trying to live your life with the most determination and integrity as you can muster, people tell you that you're a dreamer - that you ask for too much. Is it too much to aim for the extraordinary? It's a tough job, but somebody has to do it, just to show the others that it's possible.
ReplyDeleteRyan, I think a lot of people can empathize with your first 2 paragraphs. I sure can, at least. Very well written and insightful. Nice High Fidelity reference too :)
ReplyDeleteSometimes the toughest thing in life is "Learning to Live With What You Are" (quote stolen from a Ben Folds song title).
awww... i love that i have expanded your metaphores by introducing you to High Fidelity.
ReplyDelete