I didn't pass my crew swim test. Believe me, I gave it my all. I got lost trying to find the pool, didn't bring a towel, or a lock for my locker. Was the only guy trying out for coxswain for my session. Swam with 20 other guys, all of which were massive beasts 6'2"/200lbs. + who left massive wakes when they swam. One of their strokes equaled about three of mine. I think my mistake may have been trying to keep up with them. At any rate, I didn't make it very far into the test when I had no energy left. My arms and legs burned, my lungs were sick of tasting chlorine, my pulse and head were pounding, and my back started hurting. I gave up and dragged myself out of the pool instead of making the lifeguard fish me out (besides, CPR would've probably come into play if I would've kept going, and the female lifeguard was over at the other pool).
Everybody said it would be cake. Nobody but Jason said it was the least bit difficult......the coaches made it sound like if you could float, you'd make it. Let me assure you, it wasn't that easy. But giving up like that, and finally admitting that I couldn't do it was one of the hardest things. The feelings were intense. For a brief second, every short/skinny/weak joke I've ever heard, every jab, every moment of physical weakness, even my surgery laid before me, and I caved. I was so tired, I couldn't even take the stairs to my room. I took some Advil, and I'm going to turn in early tonight. The swim test kicked my ass.
Of course, you all know by now I have a hard time admitting any sort of limitation or excuse. Simply put, I'm not fit enough. I'm not blaming anything or anybody. I simply need more work. The coach told me I could participate in Tuesday's practice, just not be in the water, and re-try the test Monday. I just don't know.....that swim test left me drained, and I'm having second thoughts about this whole Crew thing. Yes, it would accomplish many of my goals, but perhaps it's not the right way to go about it. Basically, I don't know if I'm even going to go to practice or the re-test. Maybe I'll just continue working out with my friends and try some other club or sport, or try another semester (or year). I just don't know.
I do know, though, that it doesn't matter where I go. I've been here two weeks and I already know I have kickass friends. Friends that tell me they admire me for trying, who tell me it's ok, and help me tell myself that I tried my best. Friends back home, family....much needed support. This whole college thing isn't the hard part. The difficult things I deal with would show up no matter where I go or what I did, honestly. Like some sort of spectre I just can't lose, my pain and sorrows follow me to the darkest corners of my life, and find me constantly. I can't even escape them in sleep, sometimes.
At any rate, week two (of class) has begun at Purdue, and I'm glad my easy day is tomorrow. I hope by the morning, I'll know if I should go to practice or not. Or what I'm doing this weekend (WEBN fireworks?). Or how to deal with the pain that comes from talking to either of my fighting parents. Or missing my siblings. Or what to do with the girls I'm not supposed to be liking, but can't help.
Or the homework I need to do.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
.jpg)
I know you have been through a lot. But if you ever want to hold your head up high your gonna have to get really serious about working out. Next time you are in a race or a try-out for a team. Remember these words "I would rather die than quit." If you can't suck it up, and go on then all those short/skinny/weak joke's that obviously made you feel inferior where true. (It's a cold world Ryan, and you can't be great at everything.)
ReplyDeleteJust follow these simply guidelines to greatness:
1. Train harder, faster, and smarter than anyone.(That means build more muscle mass, and start eating right)
2. Anything worth doing is worth doing well.(So anything you choose too do -- you have to eventually decide do I want to be the skinny/weak guy -- or do I want to be the best at what I do)
3. Learn everything you can about your sport.(Once you have a good background in the sport you can extrapolate the ideas of the past to improve your game)
4. Have a killer instinct.(enough said)
That sucks dude, but i imagined that swimming would be kinda hard with a dude with a metal spine. I've got this picture in my head of you sinking to the bottom cause of all the metal.
ReplyDeletePerhaps I should clarify. I really wasn't trying to prove anything to anybody. Nobody really led me to believe this test would be difficult, so I treated as such. I wanted to simply pass the test, join crew, and then use that as motivation for exercise, and a medium to develop my muscles, my strength, my "killer instinct," etc. It's kinda hard to do that though, when I can't even make it onto the team......
ReplyDeleteThis wasn't an exercise in "doing the best at everything I do" was my point.
ReplyDelete