Main Bus A undervolt, master alarm on panels 1,2, 8, and 10, losing pressure in fuel cells 2 and 3, catastrophic system failures........

My body, apparently, has reached a breaking point.

This really isn't suprising. After I came back from my doctor's excused "vacation," I really didn't do a whole lot in terms of makeup work until post-spring break, when I started working like crazy and covering lessons in days that took the regular (AP) class weeks. Finished the SEAP, took the AP English test, covered Statistics chapters 8.9-12.2, and Calculus chapters 6.4-7.5, and a few other things. (do NOT forget that I have only 3 classes- the rest of the gang have 6 periods, so I'm not trying to trivialize what you guys did- I'm playing catch up, and it's very difficult)

However, I've been pushing myself waaaay too hard. Too little sleep, rest, food, relaxing..........cramming in derivatives, integrals, differential functions, standard deviations, z and t test calculations and conditions, review, makeup tests and quizzes every few days, all at breakneck speed means that I've finally reached a limit. I've been working through all 7 bells everyday, lunch, and staying after school. I'm sick as a dog (I think it's strep throat) and I've got a massive headache. I need large doses of Tylenol, Advil, and Queen just to get through the day. My internal computer is telling me:

Error: system overload. Continuing on this course will result in system failures. Please manually reset- press Brick+Clunk+Skull

And yet, I keep going. I need to keep studying, working, learning, and doing. I'm so close now, and it's in grave danger of falling all apart. I will not stop this close. I will not rest until the end. Failure is not an option.

Wednesday: AP Calculus test, SEAP Presentation
Thursday: full day of studying
Friday: AP Statistics test, Senior picnic (assuming I'm not dead), Reds game with the gang?
Saturday: find some relaxing thing to do (maybe track down some new Queen albums)
Sunday: AP Satistics celebration
Monday: possibly school, for more makeup work
Tuesday: possibly school, for more makeup work, Senior Awards night
Wednesday: rest (visit old GE people? Game night at Karen's?)
Thursday: practice Graduation
Friday: real Graduation
Saturday: Graduation parties: Jason Collett and Peter Whitford
Sunday: Graduation parties: Kevin McDonald and ME! 18th birthday!

Why do I feel the need to work so hard? What am I stressed so much about? Why are these tests so important? What am I trying to prove? To who? There is no simple answer. A big part of it has to deal with my view of the world (which some might label existentialist or atheistic, I don't care), which is to say that there are no excuses. I don't see anything as "adjusted", or what I've done "considering what I've gone through." I just don't see it. All I see is what I've done compared with my classmates. Irrational? Slightly. Self-defeating and dangerous? Probably. Habit? Definitely. I'm used to not accepting any sort of excuse for anything, and it's wearing me down. Why would I give up something that's gotten me this far? Gotten me the awards and achievements that I've gotten? I don't have the answer. It's why I won't give up on the AP tests, even though I'm re-taking calc at Purdue anyway. It's why I'm considering going in Monday and Tuesday after the seniors are gone for more work. I can't help it.

All I know is that I'm working my hardest. I'm trying my best. At the end of the day, if I've done my best, then I accept the outcome with no problem. I just worry that I'll never know what my best is, and instead run my life trying to reach something, only to wear myself out because I can't see what it's doing to me.

It's not much, but I do appreciate my friends (especially Eric, lately), family, and teachers with their support and words of encouragement. I'm flattered that some of you guys are impressed or admire what I'm doing........but my brain won't let me appreciate it.

Remember, Failure is not an option.